Kinky sex requires for you to put a lot on the line. You are allowing someone to dominate you physically, emotionally, mentally, and in some situations, spiritually. Sometimes you may be 100% in the mood to be dominated, other times you may not. Sometimes you may want to have sex, sometimes you may not.

Important Note: You do not need to be in the mood to be dominated all the time, and you are allowed to communicate to your partner that you are not in the right frame of mind to participate in kinky activities. If you are being pressured into having sex, or a type of sex, then you are being assaulted.

Now, for me personally, sometimes I want to be horny, or I am physically horny but my mind isn’t into it. In these situations, I have to find a workaround to get myself where I personally want to be.

Consider Your Emotional Place

If you are participating in kinky sex, even if only now and then, all of your sexual experiences have that trust underlying it. Sometimes, if you are feeling vulnerable or sad you may not want to extend that trust. You may be horny and intending to have very vanilla sex, but there is something catching you emotionally. Maybe something came up today that you didn’t even realize bothered you, but put you in a state of compromised trust. Even your vanilla sex requires that you have that extra trust because at one point you have given your partner the liberty to tie you up, or spank you, or cut you, etc etc.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Do not chastise yourself or tell yourself what you “should” or “should not” feel. Let yourself feel it and work through it. Talk about it with your partner. Maybe you just need them to reassure you that they care about you and won’t hurt you. Maybe you need to bring up something that has been nagging at you.

Sex is an emotional experience and if you do not go into a sexual experience in the right mindset, you will not have a good time and sex will become emotionally trying and painful.

Dress For Success

There is something to be said for feeling sexy – it increases your confidence and when I feel sexy, I am more likely to feel sexual. This doesn’t mean I need to don leather or frilly lingerie. Just yesterday I put on a pair of converse, old jeans, and a flannel and I felt like the hottest girl in the world. Sometimes it's sweatpants and a shirt with cutouts. Sometimes it is new underwear, or just high heels and jewelry, but the important thing is that I am dressing in what makes me feel sexy.

What makes you feel sexy might not seem like something that your partner will find super sexy. Do flannels and sneakers usually turn my partner on? Not necessarily, but my ‘hotter-than-hell’ attitude certainly does. My stinky gym clothes are not a turn on in and of themselves, but when I walk through the door dripping in sweat and feeling hot after a good run, you can bet that Chief will be pulling me into the bedroom within a few minutes.

Dress up or down in any way that makes you feel sexy, it’ll get you closer to that frame of mind.

Figure Out What Type of Sex You Want

Sometimes the thought of penetration doesn’t turn me on. I simply do not want it in that minute and the thought of having sex that way simply doesn’t turn me on. So I end up sitting on the couch trying to figure out how I can be so horny and not want to have sex that way…

DUH, there are tons and tons of ways to have sex, not just penis in vagina! Maybe I want to give oral sex or receive it. Maybe I want to try tantric sex today. Maybe I want to be fingered. Maybe I want to be tied up and kissed or licked.

There are so many variations of sexual activities, but too often we fall into the trap that sex is relegated to only ‘traditional sex’. Make sure that you are considering all your options. When you suddenly think of anal sex, you might realize that is exactly what you want and be ready to go.

Get Into It

I’ve read a few academic articles on the fact that there is an element of ‘fake it til you make it’ in sex, especially with women. I have experienced it too. I will be pretty ho-hum about sex, start to kiss Chief, moan a little and then suddenly I am super turned on. Moaning, and hearing yourself moan, is one of the things that women report turn them on.

Don’t force yourself to have sex if you do not want it, but if you’re kind of feeling it, give it a whirl. You might realize that making out did turn you on, giving oral sex did turn you on. And if part way through, you’re still not feeling it – it’s okay to stop. Your partner will survive. If they feel that they really need to finish what you started, send them to the bathroom to finish it themselves. It’s not mean, it’s a way for you both to have your needs met.

Give Yourself Time

Sometimes there may be a time limit on when you can have sex with someone – they have to leave by 6 to make a meeting or something else of that nature, but in general, you do not need to have sex right in that moment. Sometimes if you are feeling horny, but not into sex enough to do it in that moment, giving yourself a little time to acclimate to the situation and process what you want and need. Take the time and don’t try to rush yourself too hard.