It’s been awhile since I’ve done a refresher on the basics of BDSM. If you are just finding this site, I hope that the wealth of information you see will help you understand yourself and the world in which you are curious.
For novices, the word BDSM is a huge scary word. For the experienced, it is still a huge word. The letters stand for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. In essence, BDSM encompasses a D/s style relationship in which partners want to explore their alternative sexual fantasies that could involve bondage, sadomasochism or any of the hundreds of fetishes. Each person understands their place in the relationship and it can range from casual sexual adventures to live-in long-term relationships and anything in between.
Everyone has fantasies. Most people don’t try to engage in those fantasies, but people in BDSM bring them to life, explore them and delve deeper into the dark recesses of their erotic minds. With this knowledge, I should probably cover what BDSM isn’t before we go further. It’s important to understand that while some of us proudly call ourselves perverts, we are not the clinical definition.
What BDSM is NOT:
- It’s not a bunch of whip-wielding cartoon women in leather.
- It’s not about cruelty and abuse.
- It’s not about people who have no self-worth and being treated like doormats.
- It’s not about keeping people in slavery, held against their will and forced to do things they don’t want to do.
- It’s not about what any one book, magazine or website says.
- It’s not all about pain and torture, whips and chains.
Think about the relationships you’ve been in. There is usually a dominant partner and a submissive partner. These roles are vague and not discussed but someone tends to be the decision maker and the sexual aggressor. In D/s these roles are clearly defined and delineated. The roles may only involve time in the bedroom or it may lead to control outside the bedroom as well. Some relationships write up contracts that state what each party is responsible for in the relationship and making sure each person’s needs are met.
Communication is the core of any good relationship but is especially important in a D/s relationship where there could be physical, emotional and mental risks taken through play time. There can be pain, sexual fetishes or extended control that needs to be discussed frequently and thoroughly in order to protect yourself. Safety should be learned by both partners and understood at the same level.
BDSM is only what you decide it is. It is an infinite playground for consenting adults. There is no right or wrong way to explore; there is only safe and unsafe.
The wizdomme said it best, so a quote from the Newbie Pack:
- Some people like to spank or be spanked, whip or be whipped, flog or be flogged, and some don’t.
- Some people like to tie or be tied, handcuff or be handcuffed, torture or be tortured, and some don’t.
- Some people like to make all decisions or have all decisions made for them, and some don’t.
- Some people like to humiliate or be humiliated, discipline or be disciplined, and some don’t.
- Some people like to collar or be collared, walk another on a leash or be walked, and some don’t.
Just like the kid in the candy shop, don’t take more than you can hold. Learn things slowly, test the waters before getting in and always begin by understanding who you are before you seek someone as a partner. It will make the whole experience that much sweeter in the end.
