from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 2-6-16
How I Came To See The Benefits
I am about to do what was once upon a time unthinkable for me: praise the training that is orgasm control.
Giving up control of my orgasm was one of the very first pieces of submission I offered my husband. We started transitioning from a vanilla, egalitarian marriage to a kinky one and it was one of the first "ideas" about Dominance and submission he had come across in research. At the time we were beginning submission in only the bedroom - which I think is a very common first step for those starting out. It began with "I want you to try to wait for me to tell you to come when together" to "You need to ask permission to come when you're masturbating as well" to "This is now what we do always forever and ever."
Once we drafted an actual D/s contract, the demand was made in black and white. My orgasm belonged to my Dominant entirely. I was to never orgasm without express permission from him to do so. Without exception.
The rights to orgasm/masturbate on my own was, in the beginning, a source of contention in our D/s dynamic. I understood that he wanted to be the one responsible for my orgasm while being intimate or playing together. But alone? Why? I didn't understand the purpose. Like clockwork, every six months I would arrive at the table of D/s negotiations feeling like an underdog featherweight at a boxing match meant for heavyweights: I was trying to change a rule I didn't want but he thought was important enough to maintain, stacking up a written list of the reasons why I thought I deserved the rights to masturbate, heading in expecting to lose but holding out that hope that I could negotiate some compromise on the situation.
I never did. We'd review everything else in the contract and, making easy mild changes here and there, but when he dug his heels in the ground and insisted that we continue orgasm control, I ended up signing on. Contract after contract. Year after year.
See, each time I was forced to make a decision. End our D/s dynamic and regain my rights to masturbation and to orgasm at my choosing, or live by his rule. I see now that the choice really was about trust. Trust that he knew what was best for his submissive.
When we decided to live as Master/slave (which removed the deadline or "expiration date" from our dynamic), I knew negotiations would be off the table for orgasm control so I didn't even mention it. I accepted a life committed to only reaching orgasm at my husband's direct command. Orgasm control transitioned from training to a way of life for us. And finally, surprisingly, importantly: I get it.
Recently, I asked permission to masturbate and it was granted. It had been a long time and I was going to capitalize on this opportunity. Giddy with excitement, I prepared for the fun, the "thank you, thank you, thank you Sir" still on my lips. Alone I ran a hot bath with delicious salts, large billowing bubbles overflowing, candles lit. I gathered all sorts of toys and tools. I took my time, paced myself, thinking, "Would my husband let me come yet?" and after years of his orgasm control if I knew the answer was "No" I'd prevent myself from coming. I felt his hand guiding each of mine. He was leading me, even though he wasn't even in the room.
When overwrought with desire, knowing this would be when he'd allow it, I allowed myself to orgasm. Cleaning up afterward, I laughed at the change in my masturbation habits. Five years prior, masturbating was flopping down on a bed, vibrator on the clit, fast as possible, clitoral orgasm. Most of the time I remained entirely clothed and rarely even touched bare skin.
That's when the real benefit of orgasm control hit me. My body is a temple; a beautiful one at that. My Dominant see me that way. I deserve nothing less than undivided attention and complete adoration when my body is being used sexually. I am trained to be used for sexual service, and I should never allow anybody to take advantage of that. And it was me doing it. Before orgasm control, I was taking my sexuality for granted. When I became his submissive, his orgasm control prevented me from being misused at my own doing.
Orgasm control is how he commands my hand even when he's not there and his requiring I hold myself to higher sexual standards.
How To Get Started
The first step to orgasm control is communicating with your partner about the Dominant's expectations. Clear and concise directives should be given. If there is to be any positive or negative ramification to successfully or unsuccessfully maintaining control, it needs to be spelled out clearly from the beginning. Once all parties are on the same page, it's time to hit the bedroom and get hands on!
Begin by having completely normal sexual interactions, only insist that before the submissive reaches orgasm, he or she "call's it" before actually getting there. "I'm coming" is a pretty simple way of communicating with your partner that it is about to happen. That is when both the Dominant and submissive need to pay attention to the body. Can you notice the change? That moment right before? Does the submissive arch her back or close her eyes or moan every time? Tip: Try to always maintain eye contact right before and during orgasm. It is truly the window to the soul and can be an effective means of reading your partner. Bonus tip: Never, ever, ever fake an orgasm ladies. It's counterproductive in life. A Dominant need to read you properly. That requires honesty.
After starting to notice the build-up to orgasm, simply stop stimulation right before orgasm. You don't have to stop touching, just stop the vaginal or clitoral stimulation before it takes her over the edge. Once the body has paced back down again, continue. This is often called "edging" and is an easy way to get better at controlling orgasm.
Once you can edge pretty successfully, it's time to add in the Dominant's "trigger" if you will. We have all heard of Pavlov's dog, right? Same principle. For most people I have come across it is simply choosing a word, or phrase, often combined with an eye contact from the Top. "Come" is pretty standard of course and there is no need to complicate things. So you combine edging with this trigger during future encounters. The Dominant sees the peak rising and makes a decision: either say "Come" and allow her to ride it out or remove stimulation and if asked instruct that no, they cannot come yet, and continue on.
Eventually, you will have trained that person to actually need that trigger present to orgasm.
That is the basic starting place and once you get pretty adept at orgasm control there can be some really fun and sexy ways of using that control:
- Rewarding with extra orgasms
- Painfully dragging out edging
- Requiring certain acts before gifting orgasm
- Making others come first or at a certain time
- Punishment (or "fun-ishment")
I will be back to write a second article on orgasm control in the near future, as we explore Advanced Orgasm Control - because as much fun as it is for my husband to tell me in the bedroom "Don't come yet!" he thinks it is exceedingly more enjoyable to whisper in my ear at the grocery store and watch my horror as I have a proper orgasm in the bread aisle - and also Deconditioning Ideas (A word on deconditioning. Orgasm control can be a pretty powerful tool. Be sure to speak with your Dominant about how to gain back control of your orgasm if need be in the future due to separation. I will touch more on this in the next article but it's always good to plan ahead even from the start.)
Don't forget, like anything: practice makes progress! Time to start training.