This is a video post about how to get started once you decide you want to explore submission.

I'd have to say that the most common question I get from people who contact me via email is "where do I start?" and I'd have to agree that it's an overwhelming feeling when you are facing a world of new information. It can be difficult when you have so many questions and blanks in your mind but give me a moment to explain how you can begin to fill in the void.

My advice is two-fold.  First, you have to start by making a list of your interests, curiosity, and desires. You can't find good information if you can't voice what you are looking for. My list when I first started out looked something like this:

  • spanking
  • submission
  • commands
  • anal sex
  • bondage

Yours could be completely different but if you want to start somewhere then feel free to use my list. I don't mind. Now that you have a list you can start using your resources to find information about these subjects. As your learning continues I expect you will be adding things to this list so keep it handy.

Also, there are many ways you can save information, from printing it off to bookmarking it or using a bookmarking service and writing notes. Anything works as long as it helps you learn and grow.

Once you have a list of interests it's time to search for information. Not all information you find will be good information.  The more places you find the same information the less likely it's poor advice. This is one occasion where quantity can determine quality. Everything in every resource may not apply to you and that's okay too. Take notes on what you agree with and leave the rest for someone else.


The internet is filled with information and just like this video post and website, it carries varying viewpoints on a number of subjects that might interest you. I encourage you to use a reliable search engine and start plugging in your interests from the list you made. When you find an essay or site that appeals to you use their recommended links and resources to find more valid information. They've done some leg work for you so let them.

If you've exhausted the essay search, then your next avenue is a relatively new but very active social network called FetLife. It has groups and people interested in everything you can think of and you will definitely get a bunch of information from it. Just enter your interest into the search on the site and you'll be amazed at the number of groups you could join.

There are smaller forums and communities as well if you would feel more welcome in a smaller atmosphere. Submissive Guide has its own community of members that are willing to talk about and mentor novices. Joining is easy.


Books and reference materials about BDSM have exploded in recent years. You can find books on just about anything and some of them are even in the library. Just about every website, forum and person you encounter will tell you about some of their favorite books pertaining to the subjects on your list. Submissive Guide has a recommended reading list for novice submissives as well as an Amazon book store with a few more options.

Face to face

Sooner or later you are going to want to get out and meet people. There are BDSM support groups all over this earth that welcome novices and will help you feel more comfortable with your new interests. You can use websites and search engines to help you find a group near you by typing into a search the largest town nearest you and the word "munch." You can also find a bunch of groups that meet face to face on FetLife.

Even if meeting in a group seems daunting, I hope you will at least reach out to some of the community leaders and see if you can meet them on a smaller, more casual basis. Many are willing to do that for new people to help calm their nerves. I've done this several times myself and if you are in the central Iowa area, just contact me and KM and I will be happy to meet you.

Stay safe when meeting new people

Personal Exploration

Only when you are ready and have knowledge under your belt do I recommend going and exploring these interests. Why? Well, there are horror stories out there of people that jumped in unprepared. I can tell you a personal tale if you really need it. Don't be like me. Get used to the water before you dive in.

Once you've made friends and are comfortable you can then go to play parties and explore your interests safely and within your comfort zone. You can find play partners and relationships. Never stop learning. Use the advice you learned here and keep looking for information.