"Oh yeah, that feels good, right here. Spank me there! Harder! No, not like that. Make it sting! Oh oh ouchie, back off a bit man!"

For some of you, that stream of words is cringe-worthy. Who's driving the scene if the bottom is assaulting the Top with all the direction?  A submissive driving the scene, topping from the bottom, controlling the action and being demanding is often a negative thing. Yes, there are bottoms who drive the scene and it's negotiated and approved by those who play with them. But in the larger realm of BDSM, a submissive receives what the Dominant gives out. So how can a bottom help guide the Top during a scene without stopping the action or being demanding that they change what they are doing constantly to please them? Carefully. But it can be done.

You walk a tightrope of topping from the bottom and being a good receptive bottom when you learn how to be responsive during play. So, if you are still newly exploring play or trying a new activity I'd suggest you enjoy the scene as it is before you actively work at being responsive during play.

What is responsive?

It's more than just moans and groans although it's part of it. It's actively expressing with your body how much you are enjoying what's going on or helping guide your Top to move fluidly through the play. It's possible you know, and make it all their decision based on your body movements.

Is that bottom-topping? Only you can decide.

What I do know is that the majority of Dominants prefer a responsive bottom than one that is silent and unmoving. (Yes there are those who prefer silent suffering, but that's not what this article is about.) When you relax and enjoy the activity your body will naturally respond in ways that will process the pain, the sensation and the heightened sensuality of the play you are engaging in. Often, you will have a block that keeps you from reacting, for fear that it looks silly, that you'll be embarrassed or that your Dominant won't like how you respond. So the first thing I suggest you do it get over how you feel about the way your body naturally responds to play.

Allowing yourself to relax is not as easy as it sounds, especially if you are still getting to know your partner and/or exploring new play activities.  But if you've been with your partner for awhile and you still aren't able to relax then perhaps you need to do some deep soul searching as to why you have a hangup and a desire to hinder not only his enjoyment but your own.


Some of the easiest ways to be responsive and express your enjoyment or distress are through vocalizations. While making noise during sex and play isn't for everyone, learning a few vocalizations could help push your play further.

Things like moans, groans, hisses, and sighs help tell your partner how you are processing the actions and enjoying it. Positive responses are just as important as negative ones. If you are into dirty talk or being loud, allow yourself to relax into it.

How to Sound Sexy in Bed

Negative sounds like whimpers, yelps, and cursing can tell your partner it's time to shift the activity or back off.

And if you don't make any noise at all, they may check in more frequently to see where you are.


How you gyrate or wiggle in play or sex has a lot of things to tell your partner too, from how well you are enjoying it, whether you want more or if they should reduce things a bit and check in. Non-verbal communication is often the first thing people read on a person before any sounds can be heard and it's the same with play and sex. I'm sure you've heard somewhere that no one wants a limp partner. They want one with spunk and can express how much pleasure they are getting.

In all these things, there is a natural response as well as a conscious one. You can use your vocalizations and movements to drive play just as much as your natural ones do. And that's where the line of topping from the bottom or not come in. If you moan and arch into the spanking consciously, and your partner complies with more vigorous spanking does that mean you've just topped them without saying a word? Or is it that since mutual pleasure is a goal that you are simply communicating your enjoyment? Only you can decide this in your relationship.

After all my suggestions, the first thing you should do is talk with your partner about how you play and if your current vocalizations or lack thereof is something to concern yourself with. How you naturally respond is likely enough for them to gauge where you are and what you need from play. If not, then at least this opens up a conversation line that you can have to learn how to be more responsive to get more from play for yourself and your partner.

What do you think? Let me know in the comments!