With the trailer of the “50 Shades of Grey” movie being released, my Facebook newsfeed and what I have seen on Fetlife in multiple groups, that’s all anyone seems to be able to talk about. I have managed to not see the trailer because I have no interest, but some of the discussions that have come up, those have been a bit more interesting to read. There’s one in particular that really struck a chord with me more than any of them. The particular article that did this was written by a friend of mine, Kitty Stryker. If the name sounds familiar it’s because she’s done several videos for Kink Academy and does a lot of work on a personal project of hers called Consent Culture, advocating the importance of consent in both the lifestyle and in vanilla settings, as well as many other projects and workshops.

One of her latest articles is titled “50 Shades of Fucked Up: How BDSM in Film Fails Everyone”. I’m not gonna lie, when I first read this article, I got a bit butthurt. I found myself thinking “How in the heck can she bad mouth the movie Secretary? That’s blasphemy!”, but after I got over my initial knee jerk reaction, I re-read the article and found myself thinking “She’s got a point and a very good point”, and a point that doesn’t just stop at movies, this includes all forms of entertainment-porn, books, and TV shows. Yes, I know it seems like I’m getting up on my soapbox again, but sometimes things just need to be said.

With lifestyle events being portrayed in pop culture and for entertainment value, mainstream society is given a lot of misinformation and misgivings in the lifestyle. One thing those misgivings tend to cause is how people outside perceive the lifestyle and think that is how things are done. These people don’t bother to do any kind of actual reading or research outside of said movies or erotica novels(SirRender of Fetlife does an amazing job of adding a little truthful humor to the subject). This tends to be extremely dangerous because as we all know, there are a lot of risks with how we play and unfortunately, there are a lot of people who disguise themselves as dominants to prey on the inexperienced and uneducated.

Another misgiving that these movies and books tend to cause is how the female submissive is portrayed these weak fragile little flowers that need to be saved and this can only happen with a dominant male figure in their lives. Not only that, but these dominants have to be in powerful positions and have more money than one knows what to do with. The Fifty Shades series is a perfect example of these cliches and there’s just too many throughout the books to even begin to list them. Another example of this is in the movie Secretary, where the main character Lee is released from a mental institution at the beginning of the movie and struggles with self-harm throughout the movie until her boss tells her she’s no longer allowed to cut and introduces her to the lifestyle. There have also been countless other books that I have read where the female submissive needs to be saved by the male dominant because she’s unable to function on her own without his guidance and supervision. This particular misconception really bothers me the most because women who are in the lifestyle, they are not weak. They may appear that way to the outsider but it takes so much strength and courage to submit to their partner, , there is no way someone who truly is weak could handle the demands and responsibilities of a submissive or slave.

Even though all these fictional pieces of work can do damage to the lifestyle, there’s another side of the coin. People are reading these books and seeing these movies and creating a dialogue that otherwise might have never happened. Couples are experimenting and also seeking out resources to learn about how to do what it is we do safely. Women are talking more about their sexuality and what turns them on, which is a great thing considering how taboo women’s sexuality tends to be in today’s society. Not only th but people who once thought that BDSM is a terrible thing are realizing that the stereotypes they learned through society aren’t an accurate portrayal of the lifestyle, that what we practice is consensual with all parties involved.

Not only do fictional works get people talking about what BDSM really is, but these pieces of work can also very accurately portray what an s-type feels about their D-type partners. There have been many passages in Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty trilogy that I have found myself passionately moved when Rice describes how one of the slaves feel about their master or other dominants they are involved with. My favorite scene in Secretary is when Lee is walking home from work and we hear her inner voice describing how freed she now feels and I remember the first time I saw this scene, I felt like someone had gotten inside my head and put into words how I was feeling about the dominant I was involved with at the time and now how I feel about Daddy. Feeling moved by a quote from a book or movie, for me anyways, is a great way to be able to express those feelings that you don’t quite know how to put into words and bring inspiration and affirmation to what it is we do. I know there have been various points in my life where I find myself doubting and questioning, but feel so much more reassured after reading or hearing something that speaks to my submissive soul.

There’s always going to be a portrayal of BDSM in popular culture because of the level of taboo the lifestyle seems to radiate and it’s something that will never change. While some of the publicity that may come our way isn’t always going to be good(50 Shades), but a positive outlook can still be found as long as we’re willing to help those who are new and not pass judgment.