I was curious about BDSM before I knew what it was. I knew I liked being spanked, being told what to do, etc. I started looking into BDSM but haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend of 3.5 years because I’m afraid he’ll think I’m a weird, for lack of a better word. Although he knows what I like (listed above) and doesn’t mind doing that, I’m afraid that taking it further might make him question my sanity.

He has a very dominant and controlling personality, especially when it comes to me. He likes to tell me what to do/not to do and gets frustrated when I don’t listen. He doesn’t want me having guy friends that he doesn’t know. If he asks me a question and I beat around the bush or don’t answer directly he gets very frustrated. If I roll my eyes or straight up lie then all hell breaks loose. But why should I have to obey his every command without really getting anything in return for it, besides avoiding an argument that is? It’s very frustrating.

But then I thought what if we made BDSM our lifestyle? I would give in to all his little demands, as long as it’s within reason, but when I do disobey him, instead of it turning into a power struggle, he would get his frustration out by “punishing” me while we’re both getting sexual satisfaction. We could turn his controlling personality into somewhat of a game. I game I would really like to play.

I think he is a dom without realizing it and I want so badly to be his sub but he knows nothing about BDSM and I only know what I’ve read. What is your opinion? Do you think this lifestyle could work for us? And if so then how do bring him into it? Please help because we have a one of a kind love for each other that I don’t want to lose but the constant power struggle between us is exhausting. I want to come to a compromise that we’re both happy with.

Do you want my honest opinion? I don’t think going from no knowledge about BDSM to a lifestyle of it is your best option.

First, you admit to not listening to him, lying to him and ignoring his requests. A D/s relationship requires that the submissive submit in some manner. If you want to be submissive, then start submitting to him. Stop lying, stop rolling your eyes at his requests and be compliant. Are you getting something out of it? Why not enjoy having a happy boyfriend? If he’s annoyed with you, how can that be fun? Submitting does not always get rewards.

You are making your relationship more difficult than it has to be. If you want to give in to all his “little demands” then start doing it - no need to label it BDSM or D/s at all. It will probably make your relationship with him go smoother too.

I also dislike your idea that he can punish you to get his frustration out from your disrespect and poor behavior during sex. That would be like rewarding you for it and encourage more bad behavior.

Unless of course, you both agree that it will just be a fun game. A lot of people play punishment - it’s called funishment and it’s definitely a common game for people enjoying that sort of thing. That is something that needs to be discussed with him.

So, sit down with him. Talk to him about being a little kinky and see what he says. You can’t do anything without his full cooperation and with open communication. So do it. Don’t manipulate him, don’t push him to do something he’s not interested in.

This series by ted_subby can help you open the discussion: