I've been in relationships before. I know how they should work, or at least I think I do. Sometimes I wonder if everyone has forgotten how things are supposed to work just because they are in a D/s relationship instead of a vanilla one. Many of the questions on social networking for kinky people stems from the idea that Dominants are infallible or that because we are submissive we have to put up with behavior in a Dominant that wouldn't go over well in a vanilla relationship.

It's just not true. A D/s relationship is still a relationship and a lot of the courtesy and respect that comes from being a good human being also applies to Dominants (and submissives). Please consider the following situations as a wake up call if you are in a relationship where you're feeling used or disrespected. Being a Dominant does not give them an automatic "be a dick" card.

Monogamy to Polyamory without Warning

If a D/s relationship is about trust and openness as we all try to preach, why do we have so many people who enter into a relationship with a Dominant who says they are monogamous and then they change that position after a time without communicating it or giving the submissive any clue that they might be poly? Sure there are lecherous snakes out there that just take advantage of submissive personalities, and I can talk all day about them. But what I'm really getting at is the weight of expectation on the submissive that to be submissive they have to accept that their Dom may want to have other submissives.

It does not have to be that way. There are just as many monogamous D/s couples as there are poly ones. So, as a person, decide if you are a monogamous person or a polyamorous one. Then stick to it. Few people in this world can change the sort of relationship style they are comfortable with; it's okay if you can't.

But don't let the Dominant in your life make you feel like crap because they surprised you with a desire to have someone else.  No matter how much you feel connected to them this is a huge incompatibility that can't be excused. So find the willpower to say no and move on.


Cheating is lying. So if they were open about wanting another submissive in the previous example, keeping them a secret isn't right either. And when you find out about this secret you don't have to accept it just because they are good at convincing you that it's okay because they are the Dom. It's really not. Don't accept cheating. If he can lie to you about this, what else can he lie about? He could walk all over you and you'd be in the dark.

I emphasize this because we talk about open communication a lot in D/s discussions for good reason. A healthy relationship is an open and honest one. Cheating is never okay in my book.

A Smooth Talker with an Excuse for Every Need They Don't Meet

You have needs and desires that you've expressed at one time or another and you think that you are happy and really in love with this person who you have submitted to. But you start to realize that all the needs that you have aren't being met. They start not paying attention to you as much, or your need for one thing or another gets forgotten. When confronted, this sort of Dominant will smooth talk you into believing that they really have been doing it but you've not noticed, or they forgot, or they just haven't had the time to devote to making sure your needs are met. (But gee, every one of the requests they make had better be fulfilled.)

You've invested so much time in a relationship only to be left with a feeling of being alone, uncared for and an inconvenience to someone else. That is NOT the way healthy relationship functions. Pick up your heart and find a way to leave the smooth talker behind.

Priority Does Not Include You

I feel really bad for the Dominants that work hard and have busy lives and struggle with finding time to nurture a relationship also, but honestly, you must have priorities. If a submissive feels that they aren't a priority in your life anymore I do hope that you will understand when they tell you they are moving on.

Submissives are people and feeling like a burden is a terrible feeling. Being left to your own defenses for days and weeks at a time without more than a couple of text messages from their Dominant is not going to give you all you need in a relationship. You are worth more than a second thought. Get out and get treated like you deserve.

In all these examples, the Dominant uses the desire to submit to someone and feel vulnerable against you. It's not wrong to want to surrender to someone, but it's part of your personal responsibility to take care of yourself and make sure you are getting what you want and need in a D/s relationship. So remember what your momma told you about all the other fish in the sea and leave the sharks and leeches behind. Fishing is not a speedy sport, it's about patience and time. You can get all your needs met, you can find someone who is compatible with you and makes you feel as worthy and important as you deserve. I know it. I'm living it.

You can too.