Disclaimer: This essay is not about when you encounter or find out your Dominant is cheating, but rather an agreement in place that your Dominant can play with others.
About three years ago KnyghtMare and I had a discussion about opening the relationship up for SM play with others. From what I am exposed to it's a common occurrence to want to play and experience other types of play than what your primary partner likes. I'm content with the play that KnyghtMare and I get into but he wanted more.
So, before anyone else would be welcomed into our play, or rather, his play we had to talk about what we were both comfortable with allowing and how we were going to accept this new part of our lives. KnyghtMare is fiercely monogamous so this was a new and interesting development for me.
At first, I wasn't sure if this was going to be healthy for our relationship. I was very insecure about letting others in. What if he liked them more than me? Would that mean the end of our relationship? Would I even be okay sharing him with other submissives?
All of these questions had to be answered and I had to be confident before we could move forward. I think KnyghtMare and I talked for 3 months about our relationship, how it would change and how it wouldn't. We laid down rules for what was allowed with play for others, we established a way to reconnect after he played so that I wouldn't feel less of a person once it was over.
Therefore the following rules were established for our relationship and the open play for KnyghtMare:
- I must be aware of all play that is going to take place. I don't have to be present, but playtime should not be secret.
- No sexual contact. This means there is no penetration of the other submissives by KnyghtMare. If they want to masturbate that's perfectly fine with me, but KM won't be offering any manual assistance. This also goes for wearing butt plugs and dildos. He can direct them to put them in, but I don't want him to do it. Sex is a sacred part of our relationship and I'm not comfortable in the slightest with him stepping that boundary.
- All potential play partners are to be STI tested every 6 months and to show us their stat us before play. KnyghtMare also gets tested on a routine basis.
- Toys that can not be cleaned easily are not to be shared. We are developing a play partner kit of easy clean toys and disposables so that the costs are minimized. If a toy that is not easy to clean comes in contact with fluids on another, that toy becomes theirs. We recognize this risk and do not use my favorite toys on others.
- Gloves are to be used whenever necessary for play.
- Aftercare is to be negotiated before play. KnyghtMare provides limited aftercare in the forms of snuggling and fluid/food recovery. Once recovered KnyghtMare performs similar aftercare with me (and so that I can care for him) as a way for us to reconnect.
I also had to battle the green-eyed monster when it came to his playing with others. He can play more aggressively and raw with others than he can with me. It's so hot to watch but to know that because I'm unable to process the emotions of play like that and they sometimes make me feel like they are more compatible with him than I am.
I've come to realize that no one can be completely compatible when it comes to SM play. What KnyghtMare and I do in the bedroom and dungeon is special, but there's so much more out there that he wants to do and others can help him experience that. He's chosen me as his primary partner and I am solid in that role. Nothing can shake me from it.
Ultimately it is a beautiful gift to know that he can experience so much with others that he wouldn't be able to because of my limits. I love him even more for being open enough to tell me that there are things he wants to do and experience and I can give him that.
The play has brought us closer together. Somehow it has enhanced our play and our love for each other. He's more complete and happy and I'm fulfilled with my role and can dance in my service to him without worry that I'm not enough for him.
Thoughts to Ponder
- How do you feel in a similar situation?
- What rules would you have for your partner if they wanted to play with others?
- What can go wrong in a set up like this?