You’re a submissive in your first D/s relationship. It’s not the exact relationship you want - maybe your partner’s still married, maybe you are, maybe you’re long-distance - but it’s okay. You love how submitting to your Dominant makes you feel. The voice they use, the kink you do together, and the realization it makes you feel good - it’s like a drug. You always want more.

But something’s not right. Your Dominant isn’t communicating like they used to. Maybe they shut you out completely or just refuse to talk about what’s going on.

At the same time, you’ve learned more about yourself as a submissive, and you need more. Everything is off, and it’s leaving you unfulfilled, confused, and, let’s be honest here, miserable.

What do you do now?

Talk About It

The sad fact is that sometimes our needs go unfilled in our D/s relationship because we never talk about them. We say things like, “I don’t want to seem too clingy” or “I’m afraid of driving my partner away.” But if your lack of fulfillment and contentment, bothers you, it’ll never get better if you keep your mouth shut.

When we talk about communication in Dominance and submission, a lot of people think about negotiating our kinks or figuring out what we want to be called. Yes, that’s an important part, but communication doesn’t stop there. You have to be able and willing to say the hard things like, “I need more than this” or “I want something different.”

The reality is that you might not get what you want. Your partner might not want the same things you do. Which is part of the reason you’re not talking to them, isn’t it? But if you don’t, you’ll suffer in silence and eventually resentment, anger, and deceit will kill your relationship. By the end, you’ll be much more miserable than if you’d simply had an honest conversation and then dealt with your partner’s response.

What if They Won't Talk to You?

You can’t force someone to talk to you. It’s even harder when there’s physical distance between you or you’re at different points in your life. But since the absolute basic necessity of any successful relationship (kinky or vanilla) is communication, you can and should expect your Dominant to talk to you on a regular basis. (Regular can be anything from once a day or once a week, but it should be something you agree on and can depend on.)

If your partner won’t talk to you or refuses to engage in a serious conversation, you are absolutely allowed to say it’s not acceptable. You can and should let them know you won’t accept the situation. As a submissive, I always advocate being polite, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be firm. The Dom who wants to make this work with you will, at minimum, let you say what you need to. And if you have a Dominant partner who constantly shuts you down, ignores you, or says you’re not allowed to voice an opinion, you need a new Dominant partner.

Waiting for Change That Doesn’t Happen

You’re thinking, “But wait, I’ve talked to my partner until I’m blue in the face and out of words but nothing changes.” Okay, so if you’re someone who’s already done the first part, congrats! You’ve done the first hard thing, now comes the second.

You’re unfilled, and your partner - regardless of what they said in your conversation - hasn’t made any changes or they did and it lasted all of five minutes. What do you do now? First, take a long look at your reality. Did you promise to make changes that haven’t happened too? Did something crazy or stressful pop up in their or your personal life?

Assuming nothing else is getting in the way of getting what you need in your own relationship, you now have a decision to make. Do you have another conversation to find out what’s really going on? Do you explain that something has to change because you don’t want a relationship like this? Do you walk away without looking back?

I can’t tell you what to do in your kinky relationship. What I will tell you is that there’s a difference between making an honest effort to change and burying your head in the sand and pretending everything is fine. I will also tell you that if you’re unfulfilled as a submissive, sometimes it’s not your Dominant who needs to change, it could be you.

But once you’ve had an honest conversation, all that’s left is to put in an honest effort. If that doesn’t happen, why are you still in this D/s relationship? Remaining in a relationship that’s unfulfilling and not improving is a waste of your time. If you have the ability to get out of it without too many problems (think divorce, child custody, or other big issues), there’s no reason to stay.

Do your part as a good partner to communicate, build trust, be honest, and do your best as a submissive. If your Dominant wants to maintain the relationship, they’ll do their best, too. If not, leave and find someone who can give you what you want. It’s much better to be alone than in a bad relationship.

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