They want submission but no emotional connection. Is conditional emotional attachment enough?
Is He Emotionally Not Available, or Just Not Available?
It is possible that emotional availability is not the problem at all -- it's just plain availability. All of us have busy lives these days. He probably has a job; he might have family responsibilities even if he's currently single. Friends are gardens that need regular cultivation -- he could literally have a garden or other interests that don't include his sub.
This can be difficult when part of our real and legitimate need is the very emotional connection that seems to be missing -- particularly in the online situation where his most available discipline is a withdrawal of contact. Even when punishment is not being intended, it feels like punishment.
I was going through that not so long ago with my Sir. My fears of abandonment were real and based on awful history (although not with him). I had even included in the contract a formal request that he find some way to check in so that I would know that he was still alive.
Well, this guy loves to test limits. While I love that about him, and about our relationship, more than once this issue came close to ending it. He would go for days and days without so much as a two-word text.
At last, quite by accident, I discovered the solution that worked for me.
I struggled, I ranted, I send him snarky e-mails including one that said: "If you don't want me anymore just say so, please." I gifted him with a recording of Loreena McKennitt
Loreena McKennittsinging "Greensleeves" -- Alas, my Love, you do me wrong, to cast me off so discourteously...
And then I made the decision to stick it out, to grow where such an incredible set of circumstances had combined to plant me with this particular human being at this particular time in our lives. And I asked for permission to add a paragraph of surrender to my contract. And he said yes.
I surrendered to my own submission.
This acceptance that our time together is limited and precious -- and that patiently waiting for him is also a form of service and submission -- has become an important piece of our relationship, and of my recognition that I serve my own drive for submission at least as much as I serve him. He does love me, does want me, and he loves me enough to make me push through those old limits related to past experiences. We have agreed that unless he specifies that his silence is punishment, it is not. He reminds me that his wanting me will be less easy to doubt when we grow into that real-life 24/7 step and he is able to prove it by claiming me physically -- a little tough to do while we are separated by 2,000 miles or so.
In the meantime, I have my own busy life as well as plenty of tasks to get things ready for that 2,000-mile move.
He is my Dom -- not my boyfriend. This does not mean loss of emotional connection, just different expression of it. Am I "in love" with him? No, although I can see that it might happen. Do I love him with total commitment and faith and loyalty and a deep desire for all things good for him? Oh, yes.
My job as his submissive and one-day full slave is to create for him a place of total sanctuary with no drama, no complaint -- just service and one hundred percent submission even when I have been missing him so much that it physically hurts.
And of course, he responds with love. Who would not?