This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.


…not proud or haughty, not arrogant or assertive, reflecting, expressing or offered in a spirit of deference, respect or submission, unpretentious, lacking all signs of pride, aggressiveness or assertiveness.

How simple the words, how truly profound the gift. The act of humility, the state of presenting yourself so to the world is perhaps one of the most challenging things to do. In the realm of D/s, the lifestyle, most commonly known as Domination and submission this precept becomes even more significant. Many see only the obvious sexual aspects of D/s without the truth of that reality.

The Dominant and the submissive are a team, their union a true partnership. The relationship is a choice of non-conflict between successful individuals. They attain this through effective decisions during every day. In today’s society, there is a strong emphasis on individuality and independence. Money becomes the goal, the indicator of success. What is not there is that which all humans crave, a companion, a partner. If both male and female are assertive and aggressive, they turn blades against each other.

Sometimes a Dominant will ask a submissive to learn humility. Usually, this occurs when the submissive (for purposes of this discussion a female), demonstrates continuing acts of pride, self-involvement, disrespect and an elevated perception of themselves to the point where their actions displease those about them. Humility is a gift that a submissive offers to their Dominant. A choice to defer to the Dominant. The role of submissive is not a passive existence of someone of diminished status, far the contrary. It is to be the gift of support, to joyously assist and augment their Dominant, the steel in the framework.

The Dominant for his part cherishes the soft strength of the submissive; he understands the difficulty of not answering back in pride and aggression, he realizes that it is far harder to kneel than to stand, to give than to take. He also knows that a submissive cannot have both, she must embrace her submission, glory in the gift she willingly offers. To assist her he may instruct her in the forgotten ways of humility and grace. This idea of a gift may seem at odds with today’s society. Perhaps so. If you ask any submissive, they perceive no diminishment of self by offering the gift of themselves to a worthy Dominant. There is a true art to blending the duality of self into one glorious being.

In a sense it is quite simple, a relationship cannot flourish if both persons are leaders. To be truly successful one must lead the other must navigate. If you are asked to learn to be humble, you must look deep within your actions to see them from the viewpoint of others. You must ask yourself, “Do I think too highly of myself and impose my inflated opinion on others? Am I too proud, haughty? Do I willingly defer to others? Am I respectful? Am I too aggressive, too assertive? Am I pretentious?” It is perhaps true that your Dominant believes one or more of these to be true. That he perceives areas that need attention from you. If you have been asked to explore this within yourself, how did you do so? Were you aggressive and whiny? Did you take offense and point fingers at others offering empty justifications for your actions? Or did you reach out and grasp that quiet serenity that is the true submissive, did you look in the mirror of your heart and admit the truth of what your Dominant has seen? Did you kneel in humility and mortification at the prideful nature of your responses? Did you beg forgiveness and thank him for his concern for you?

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.