I know I say I use FetLife for a lot of my ideas on things to write about, and it's true. There are many novices on there and the multitude of questions and topics that come up help me generate a lot of thoughts that I can put into words, opinions and hopefully helpful advice for you here.
This topic is one such FetLife-generated post. In many of the groups, I frequent a common thread is how to keep the spark alive when vanilla life gets in the way of your 24/7 D/s or M/s relationship. These people feel overworked, stressed and taxed by the daily things that take up their day and they say that they are having problems staying connected as their roles dictate.
Shed the Fantasy
First, living D/s or M/s without the daily additions of household chores, work, bills, and appointments is fantasy. I don't know a single person that doesn't have to deal with these things in their relationship. So, part of what these people can't see is that the 'vanilla' things you do every day aren't going away. You have to incorporate them into your realistic vision of D/s or M/s.
I can hear you saying, "Yeah, but I'm a parent, co-worker, busy with my life person. I just can't be in slave mode during those times." Sure, some of you can't be fully in slave mode when you've got children to care for and a job to attend to. Then again, you don't have to forget who you are then either. The reality is that you can wear many hats; some just live under others and they get juggled around from time to time.
Many 24/7 style relationships are not focused on the play and sex every minute of every day. This again is fantasy. While I would love to dream about having sex all the time and walking around in collar and cuffs all the time, it isn't realistic. Meanwhile, a lot of couples find that BDSM play and power sex can recharge their dynamic batteries.
If you agree with that statement, that all you need is to play with your Dominant, then make the time to do so. It doesn't have to be a huge drawn out planned scene. Short, intense scenes have just as powerful of a connection if you allow them to. Point is, if you need it, don't let it fall by the wayside. Make it happen.
What is the Spark?
This spark that the discussions usually lead to is that which makes them feel submissive or Dominant to the other. For some people that means connecting through play, for others that may be rituals and following directions. Maybe it's a mindset or attitude that you are needing. Knowing what it is about your dynamic that you feel you are missing is a huge step in knowing what to do to keep you feeling balanced.
It really is about balance. Life ebbs and flows. You'll have times where the fire burns hot and ferocious and then other times where the embers are glowing red but there's no flame. Stoking those embers back up takes work, but it's worth it. Once you are able to understand exactly what's missing you can communicate it to your partner and work to re-balance your life.
Work at It
No matter what type of relationship you are in, you need to work at it to keep it going. Same goes for keeping the dynamic in place when your every day seems to push it out of the way. Sit down with your partner and talk about what is putting the D/s out of balance. The biggest issue that people have is time. You have to make time for the things in life that are valuable to you. If your D/s is valuable you will work hard to keep it going.
Create a date night, get the kids out of the house for a few hours and reconnect. Or set up some private rituals, mantras or routines that you can do together or separately that will remind you of the power dynamic you are working to maintain. Maybe writing in a journal will help you sort out what will and won't work. Try anything you can think of until it works for you.
Stop Fracturing Your Life
My best advice for those of you who live 24/7 everyday relationships with partners is to stop seeing what you do which is considered vanilla as separate from your D/s life. It's all one life. Catch yourself before you think that your vanilla life is getting in the way of your D/s one. Keep the lines of communication open. When things in your life get too busy, you make room for what's important. Life will get challenging. Those are the times you need to step up the D/s rather than let it fall. Bring the vanilla into your D/s and make it LIFE.