Using a dating site to find a partner that is interested in power exchange and BDSM is a difficult prospect. Many people abandon mainstream sites in hopes that kink social networks and other forums will provide them with a partner that is compatible and looking for the same kind of relationship. I feel that the key to narrowing your search is perfecting your dating profile.

First, the problem with using a social network for a dating profile is that people often confuse potential partners by putting useless information in their “About Me” section that has nothing to do with your personal ad. Because honestly, that’s what you need; a personal ad.

This isn’t the limited 50 character newspaper ad where abbreviations were necessary. You can be eloquent and long-winded if you wish. But as you are going to learn in this essay, there’s definitely a way to be too long-winded; and perhaps deter those you wish to attract.

Your Username is Not a Freak Flag

You may be inclined to make your username something that broadcasts a sexual prowess or particular physical feature you are proud of. Don’t. If you are looking for a long-term relationship then you don’t want the first impression of you to be sex based. Pick something you wouldn’t mind introducing yourself to someone else with. I know far too many usernames that would likely make you blush or feel offended if someone introduced themselves with it in person. Don’t be that guy or gal.

Please don’t use your real name either unless it is a very common one. You want to remain somewhat anonymous on the site until you are ready to reveal more private information. Also, be creative if you desire, but make it something someone can read easily. Using a lot of text-speak is a deterrent to most people. Remember too, that this is just your username and you don’t have to try to fit what you are looking for or who you are in these few characters.

Stats are Important, Lying Will Get You Nowhere

As is often the case on social networks, you can easily lie about your location or age. If you are looking for a long-term relationship I strongly suggest against it. It is misleading and makes you appear that you have more to hide than your basic stats. If you live in a small town, pick the next larger one near you. Women shouldn’t be ashamed of their age either, wear it proudly.

Be straightforward with what you are seeking too. If you need monogamy then list it. If you are bisexual, make sure you express that too. The more honest you are in the stats area the easier it will be for you to pick through potential dates later.

Letting Your Profile Speak For You

Your dating profile does not have to be detailed to attract attention. After all, a relationship, D/s or otherwise is about compatibility in a wide range of areas in your life. If you focus on only one area - usually the kink side - you may not find someone who you enjoy being around outside the playspace. I recommend that you take some time to think about what you want to include in your profile.

Take out a sheet of paper or open a blank document on your computer. Make two labels; positive and negative. Now start listing your qualities and talents, your history and particulars about who you are. Put things like patience and a good cook in the positive area. Place things like bad with budgets or that you are a smoker in the negatives. From the positive list, pick out 5 of your favorites or best about you. From the negatives pick at least 2.

Write up a few sentences describing you in a positive light. Use the chosen items from both lists. Now it will be easy to write about the positive traits, but those negative ones need a positive spin. Take smoking for example. If you are looking for a smoker also, then you could put that in the positive list, but if you are wanting to quit then you can say that you are looking for someone who will support breaking the smoking habit.

Once you have a list about you, it’s time to make a second list about the person you’d like to meet. Don’t be afraid to list everything including body type and background preferences. Most of this list will be for you only. Once you have the positive and negatives listed, do the same thing you did for you. Write out a few sentences describing the positive qualities in the person you’d like to meet.

Those Pesky Kinks and Fetishes

If you are looking for a D/s or BDSM relationship then you will want to share what you are looking for as far as power exchange or kink. It is only natural to want to list every single kink you are into but don’t. You do not need to post your entire BDSM checklist in your dating profile. You can share that information once you have found a common ground with someone. What you do want to do is make note of your safety mantra; are you SSC, RACK, PRICK or none, and three of your most desired kinks. Oh and don’t forget the safe sex status and requirements!

Keep this area of the profile brief. Mention what kind of partner you are looking for, such as a Daddy Dom or a 24/7 slave and then define those terms. Describe what you identify as also. Since so many of these terms are different for everyone giving definitions will help people really find out if they fit or not.

A Photo Is Worth How Much?

A good personal profile will have at least one photo of you. I recommend you have a close-up, fully clothed picture of yourself in nice clothing and another in casual clothes. Try to fit your whole body in the shot so your potential dates have a good impression of your physical appearance.

A photo is the first thing potential dates will look at, so make it a good one. If they like it they will read the ad and hopefully contact you.

Now, there is some danger here. You could be recognized by someone you don’t want to recognize you. How you decide to handle that is up to you.

Don’t post sexually explicit photos unless you want to attract only sexual exchanges. Remember, we are looking for a relationship, not a fling.

If you're not comfortable putting your picture up online, avoid overselling your appearance with dubious claims like, “Angelina Jolie look-a-like”.

Privacy is Selective Information

You have an important task in your exchanges with people from a dating site or profile. You need to keep private things about yourself and your life but you also want to attract the right kind of person.

What you should never put on your dating profile:

  • Your real name, address or email address.
  • Your kids' names and ages, as well as what schools they attend.
  • Anything specific about your place of work.
  • Names or personal details of your family, friends or acquaintances.

It seems like this should go without saying, but I’ve seen it. People can find you and stalk you with this information. Keep it private, share it only when you have trust and confidence in someone and only after you have established a report with them.

How to Write the Ad

The bulk of a dating profile is about you. It’s not about who you are looking for. Let’s pretend for a moment, that you are car shopping and you watch car commercials. You will likely hear features the car has and a bit about what sort of person the car is meant for, right? You are trying to do the same in your profile. Exude confidence in yourself and your ability to be a good partner for someone.

Share your positive traits and the reworded negative ones you wrote above. Avoid personal-ad speak. Don't "like fine dining" when you can be passionate about Thai cuisine, don't "enjoy movies" when you can declare your enthusiasm for Tarantino. Don’t spill everything about who you are on the page. You want to leave some intrigue to those you develop a conversation with in private.

Then touch upon the type of person you are looking for. Be as specific as you need to be, but keep it brief.

Finally, end with a request to contact you if they feel they connect with you. You want to do the bulk of your person selection through private conversation.

It’s Love, Not Brain Surgery

Your profile isn’t written in stone and very likely isn’t perfect right out of the gate. If you notice that you are getting far too few good responses, then shake up the profile a bit. Reword things, cast a wider net. You can always make changes. Don’t be afraid to add or remove details until you find the dream date and hopefully relationship that matches your every compatibility requirement.

Good luck!