Consider for a moment that there is a Dominant that you've had your eye on for awhile but you think that s/he may not even know you exist. Do you just wait and hope that they will discover you or do you get the nerve to talk to them?

Several of the submissives I've talked to recently have an issue approaching Dominants for one reason or another but the key to all of them is that they are afraid they won't seem submissive if they are the pursuer instead of the pursued. Many of you have told me that it's not submissive to approach a Dominant. Why is that?

Are we not people first? The social education we get growing up and exploring this world does not automatically get tossed aside just because you are exploring a lifestyle that has a defined role structure. You are a polite individual and you should be able to have a polite conversation with someone you like.

With the thought of realizing you can approach a Dominant, here are some tips to get you away from the wall and into someone else's gaze.


I'm not going to say that it's not terrifying to approach someone that you want to get to know better. Humans hate rejection and I've seen submissives flounder completely when rejection happens. Take back the power to be a person first. I know I'm being repetitive with that phrase but it bears repeating, over and over again.

Before you walk up to someone try to do some research about them first. Ask around, find out if they are available, what others might know about him. You could even learn about their interests so when you strike up a conversation you can move past the weather and politics pretty quickly. Event coordinators are the first avenue because they often know many or most of the invited guests and could point you in the right direction if they don't know themselves.

Put on your most confident face. You don't want to look timid and scared to talk to them. Try to be sure of yourself and if that means practicing in the bathroom mirror 100 times before walking up to them, then do it. But don't hide in there all night!

Don't just stare at them. That comes off as stalkerish and weird. You want them to notice you, not wish you'd stop following them around.

Walk up to them and finally say "hello" when you are ready. No pressure on what to say, but introducing yourself is a good start. Watch for body language. If they are interested in you, they will lean in, look receptive and probably chat with you right back!

Now the hard part (what you thought it was all hard?) - tell them you're interested in getting to know them better. Ask them out on a date, or if you are at a play party perhaps you want to negotiate play. Just because you are the submissive person does not mean you have to act submissive from the very start. Use those person skills!


  • Be confident in yourself - it shows.
  • Be yourself. Don't pretend to be more submissive than you are. This isn't the time to adopt formal behaviors or characteristics that aren't you.
  • Don't assume they will say no. And if they say no thank you for play - it might not mean never, ask if there is a possibility of play at a later date. They may have a full dance card that night.
  • Flirt! It sends the right signals and it boosts their ego to know that someone is attracted to them.


With online contact, you are likely on a dating site or social network and I'm going to assume that for this part of the post. My rule here is very simple: keep your first email very short. Give anything longer than three sentences a good, hard look before sending. There are a few reasons why I feel short emails work best:

  • Your profile is what you should be using to get people interested in you, not your first email. It should definitely hold enough for someone to make a decision about communicating with you. If it doesn’t, don’t try and fix it in your emails: go back to your profile and improve that first. The email should be the bait to get someone to view your profile.
  • If they don't like your profile a long email isn't going to change their mind.
  • You have to keep your weird factor low. People get emails from psychos all the time, I'm sure you've received some as well. Remember you are battling all the bad impressions from people who have come before you.

What should you include?

So, what should your first introductory email contain?

First, try to include something that

proves you've read their profile

. People appreciate that you've taken the time to look at their profile, just as you are hoping that they will do the same to yours.

Second, if you find something of interest or in common from their profile then

mention that area

in your message. (If there is more than one, just mention one.)

Finally, I suggest you

ask them a question

. You are wanting to try and engage them in conversation, are you not?

Most emotion is lost

 in online communication (and anyone who has used a :) in emails agrees with me). To avoid this, I would try to show my true level of interest by exaggerating it. Also, I feel that making someone feel “liked” early on would help them feel more comfortable and more likely to respond.

Now you tell me, how do you make the first advance towards a Dominant that you'd like to get to know better?