The second question I received for March question month came to me in my email.
I'm a strong person, but something in me was missing...until I admitted what I really am. I'm engaged, I love my boyfriend very much, but I decided to open my heart to him and he's really doing his best to understand my need to surrender, my need to submit. I don't take the topic lightly, and nor does he...but after 4 years together, I sometimes think it's difficult...I don't want to lose him, and I think he's really changing. But...how can we "direct" our changings the right way? I've always been the strongest one in my relationships. He isn't weak, but very calm and he has always set me "free"...too much, if I have to say the truth. I hope it makes sense...he's understanding, we are talking about it a lot...but I need some extra advice. I don't want to confuse him even more...
The good part from your letter was that your boyfriend is trying. That's all it takes to begin learning and exploring. Do you talk about how you'd like to be less free? Do discussions happen away from the bedroom activities? The reason I ask is that no matter what advice I give you here you need to share all of your thoughts with your boyfriend.
Changing has to be done at his speed. If he really is changing as you say then you have to be patient and enjoy the ride. To direct your learning, I'd recommend buy a few books about D/s, join a few social forums to start finding talk points. Then get offline and away from the books and talk to each other.
Practice it for short periods, a few hours to a few days. Test the waters with something more intense than you want to do for real and see if you both fall into roles at all. Are you able to let go and is he able to take up the reigns? Make it fun, explore new things and you just might find the way for you.
Do you both have the same idea of what you'd like to try to do? Are you looking to be a service submissive or a sexual submissive? Does he want someone to do all the housework or serve his every need? Find out what each of your wants and needs from each other.
The bottom line is that you can't make someone change if they aren't willing to. You can't make someone something they aren't. If your partner isn't dominant or can't be as dominant that you want then it just isn't going to happen. You have to be prepared to make that choice.
Anyone else have suggestions for this person?