Dear LunaKM,

I lost my Master to cancer two weeks ago, and I'm not sure how to grieve,  He was not only my master he was my best friend. While there are moments of deep sadness I don’t feel I'm grieving  enough.  Shortly after his passing I had to clean out his home and  it mostly came into mine,  could that be why? I was so busy  doing that it hasn't sunk in? Or is it that his things still surround me? I of course have pictures of him and am writing about our life. All I mostly feel is numb and angry.

I asked other non sub friends and they said maybe this was how I am grieving. Somehow I feel jipped because I don’t feel sad enough. Weird right? He was my Master.


Not Quite Grieving Yet

Dear Grieving,

First let me say how sorry I am for you and send you big ((HUGS)). I cannot imagine what you must be going through right now. I think it’s safe to say that everyone reading this is so sorry for your loss.

We all grieve in different ways and at different times. You could easily be in shock or still in a certain amount of denial. Yes, numb and angry could be how you grieve.

When it comes to the grieving process, there are five recognized “steps” that people go through (per research done by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross many years ago):

  1. Denial - The “this can’t be happening” or “this can’t be real” kind of feeling.
  2. Anger - Being upset at the situation or even the person for dying
  3. Bargaining - Making “promises” to yourself or a higher power to avoid this kind of thing in the future or to go back in time and “fix” things
  4. Depression - Feeling empty, numb, sad, and anything else that goes with depression
  5. Acceptance - Accepting the reality of the situation

The worst part about these five stages is that you probably won’t go through them in order, and it probably won’t be a quick process. You may feel denial about certain things, then depressed, and then accept them. Then something will happen, you’ll be hit with a memory long forgotten, and you’ll find yourself angry, bargaining, and depressed.

The cycles are a guide, but they aren’t linear, and there is no timeline for the grieving process.

Your grief will take as long as it takes.

Feelings of anger are normal. Feeling numb is normal. Crying or not crying, it’s all normal. And there’s no such thing as the right amount of grief.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel in the moment - no matter how ugly or negative. But don’t block people from your life, especially those who want to help or can understand how you feel. No one will be able to bring back your Master but when you’re angry or depressed, it’s easy to feel completely alone. Let the people who love you comfort you during these times.

When my Dominant’s sister died in 2015, I was helpless to make him feel better - just as your loved ones are helpless to change your grief. I reminded him I was there for him, gave him extra hugs, and let him talk about his sister as much as he needed to. If you have even one friend you can do that with, it will help immensely.

D/s and kink being what they are, if you don’t have someone who will understand the ins and outs of what you’re going through, start a journal and write out how you feel. The point is to get the negative feelings out of your head for at least a little while. You may be surprised at how you feel when you do.

Learn more about the stages of grief


Click here to find a local group to help with your grief.

You can also find a couple articles about grief here on Submissive Guide: