I was once chatting with some friends of mine who had mentioned that they were unable to find “their One.” Now, some of these friends are tops; some are bottoms. But all indicated their lack of ability to meet a D/s partner that fit them well.

As I mulled over the conversation, I realized that I had often heard those complaints/observations-and from people who truly seemed like they would be a great catch. Then I started to think more about it and wondered if they (like all of us) had displayed behaviors that others would declare to be a “deal breaker.”

With that in mind, I polled friends on another site and I asked them, “What things could be deal breakers for you when you are meeting new people who could be a partner for you? Since I am researching for an article that is going to a D/s site, I am directing it to lifestyle members but it could apply to any potential relationship.” I received dozens of answers in the over four months since I posted it. I have narrowed them down, removed the many duplicate responses and am sharing them with everyone via this article.

Please note that some of these answers ARE my thoughts but NOT ALL OF THEM. And, the things I used for my reply were echoed more than once but other people who answered. The answers are not meant to offend anyone. I am sharing them to help people who seek “their One.”

So, here they are. My top 22 “Deal Breakers that May Be Preventing Your One from Approaching You.”

  1. Someone who doesn't respect another's boundaries and/or who don't clearly lay out their boundaries.
  2. Someone who doesn't want to use/respect a safe word, whatever their reason.
  3. Someone who plays while intoxicated or angry.
  4. Someone who Tops from the bottom or is a brat/SAM.
  5. Someone who neglects to maintain good personal hygiene and/or a clean home/living space.
  6. Someone who doesn't want to use protective measures or wants to try edge play without proper training. Someone who is inconsistent with pre-negotiated agreements and/or does not abide by them
  7. Someone with a bad attitude (cocky, diva, drama-queen, whiner etc) OR who has an overbearing personality.
  8. Someone who lacks sense of humor.
  9. Someone who lacks emotional maturity; i.e. taking things personally, and not being responsible for their words and/or actions.
  10. Someone with an addiction (illicit or prescribed drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, internet etc)
  11. Someone who is cruel, violent and/or abusive.
  12. Someone with a potty mouth.
  13. Someone who lacks respect for themselves and/or others.
  14.  Someone who is a liar and/or who is dishonest in other ways and/or back-stabbing and/or gossipy.
  15. Someone who brags about who they previously scened with or who they talked to etc.  Mild name-dropping is one thing, but when you make a habit of it, it makes things feel competitive.
  16. Someone who exhibits any form of passive aggressive behavior
  17. Someone who is lazy.
  18. Someone who creates or takes advantage of situations to force another to allow hard limit activities.
  19. Someone who does not agree that a person should always have a safe place/time to be able to talk about their wants and needs in the relationship.
  20. Someone who stops you from doing things that are healthy for you/makes you feel empowered/help you to be stronger as a person.
  21. A submissive who is a “puppet” with no initiative, motivation or creativity and who must be instructed every minute of the day. Aka “the energy vampire submissive.”
  22. Someone who lacks communication skills.

Reader Action: What do you think of Laney's list? What would you add? What items do you have a problem with, and why?