Some friends of mine had mentioned that they were unable to find "their One." Now, some of these friends are tops; some are bottoms. But all indicated their lack of ability to meet a D/s partner that fit them well.
As I mulled over the conversation, I realized that I had often heard those complaints and observations- and from people who genuinely seemed like they would be a great catch. Then I started to think more about it and wondered if they (like all of us) had displayed behaviors that others would declare to be a "deal-breaker."
With that in mind, I polled friends on another site, and I asked them, "What things could be deal breakers for you when you are meeting new people who could be a partner for you? Since I am researching for an article that is going to a D/s site, I am directing it to lifestyle members, but it could apply to any potential relationship." I received dozens of answers in the over four months since I posted it. I have narrowed them down, removed the many duplicate responses, and am sharing them with you now.
More on Submissive Guide:
- Finding a Compatible Partner in the Lifestyle
- Finding Your Dominant: Dating when BDSM is Something You Need
- How Searching for a Compatible Partner is Like Apartment Hunting
Please note that some of these answers ARE my thoughts but NOT ALL OF THEM. And, the things I used for my reply echoed more than once but other people who answered. The answers are not meant to offend anyone. I am sharing them to help people who seek "their One."
So, here they are. My top 22 "Deal Breakers that May Be Preventing Your One from Approaching You."
- Someone who doesn't respect another's boundaries or who don't clearly lay out their limits.
- Someone who doesn't want to use/respect a safe word, whatever their reason.
- Someone who plays while intoxicated or angry.
- Someone who Tops from the bottom or is a brat/SAM.
- Someone who neglects to maintain good personal hygiene or a clean home/living space.
- Someone who doesn't want to use protective measures or wants to try edge play without proper training. Someone inconsistent with pre-negotiated agreements or does not abide by them.
- Someone with a bad attitude (cocky, diva, drama-queen, whiner, etc.) OR an overbearing personality.
- Someone who lacks a sense of humor.
- Someone who lacks emotional maturity, i.e., taking things personally, and not being responsible for their words or actions.
- Someone with an addiction (illicit or prescribed drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, internet, etc.)
- Someone who is cruel, violent, or abusive.
- Someone with a potty mouth.
- Someone who lacks respect for themselves or others.
- Someone who is a liar or who is dishonest in other ways or back-stabbing or gossipy.
- Someone who brags about who they previously scened with or who they talked to etc. Mild name-dropping is one thing, but when you make a habit of it, it makes things feel competitive.
- Someone who exhibits any form of passive-aggressive behavior
- Someone who is lazy.
- Someone who creates or takes advantage of situations to force another to allow hard limit activities.
- Someone who does not agree that a person should always have a safe place/time to be able to talk about their wants and needs in the relationship.
- Someone who stops you from doing things that are healthy for you/makes you feel empowered/helps you to be stronger as a person.
- A submissive who is a "puppet" with no initiative, motivation, or creativity and must be instructed every minute of the day. Aka "the energy vampire submissive."
- Someone who lacks communication skills.