For those of you who are avid Red Phoneix fans, she’s at it again. She’s currently working on the third installment of the Brie series, Submissive in Love. While I was reading the second novella, Brie’s Denver Desires, a passage at the end of the book grabbed my attention and wouldn’t let go.
“Sir, you’re keeping something from me, aren’t you?” When he didn’t answer, she demanded “I have a right to know! I remember when I had to kneel on rice because I kept something from you. What consequence is there if you do the same to me?”
Brie is talking about good old transparency, which is something that is extremely important in any relationship, but I feel even more so in a power exchange relationship. I even wrote an article on the importance of transparency in relationships and how it takes having honesty, communication, and trust to become completely transparent to your partner. But that’s not the article I’m writing today or the reason the quote stuck out. Before I go any further, I want to ask you a question and I would like for you to ponder on it for a moment. Is it okay for the D-type to withhold information from their s-type? Yes, I realize I’m playing with fire here, but that’s one of my hobbies and before you start forming an angry mob with torches and pitchforks, hear me out.
To me, this is one of those grey areas(for a lack of a better term)in the lifestyle. One phrase I grew up hearing is “What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander” which means what is good for one type is equally good for another type. In my opinion(lunaKM nor Submissive Guide can be held liable for opinions of the writer), unlike in vanilla relationships, BDSM relationships that have a power exchange dynamic, the D-type and s-type are not on equal footing. Usually that’s the case because that’s how the parties involved have agreed to have their relationship. In other words, what applies to the submissive doesn’t exactly apply to the dominant.
Like I stated in my earlier article on transparency, Daddy and I are pretty much 100% transparent with one another. We have passwords to the other person’s accounts, I know what’s going on financially, blah blah. There is rarely a thought that Daddy and I don’t have that isn’t shared with the other. That’s how we are. But,(because there’s always a but!)there are times where Daddy doesn’t tell me everything. Like everything else that Daddy does, He has His reasons for this. And usually at first when I find out He’s kept something from me, I do get a little butthurt, but then I quickly get over it as quickly as I got butthurt. Daddy knows me really well. Daddy KNOWS how I’m going to react to things. He knows if I’m gonna start freaking out and thinking the world is ending(I can be a bit high-strung sometimes)and He knows how upset something is going to make me. So, He decides there’s no reason to cause me to experience these negative emotions and doesn’t say anything to me, or He tells me after He’s taken care of whatever issue. There tends to be this little discussion that goes something like this:
Me: Why didn’t Daddy tell bambi about this? Daddy: Well, because I knew you would panic and stress over this and I know at the time you didn’t need the added stress. Me: pondering for a moment Yeah, Daddy’s right.
That is something I am grateful for. Daddy does save me from a lot of unnecessary stress and hurt feelings by not telling me everything. I know there could be some readers who are thinking “Tequila, if you’re okay with him keeping these little things from you, how do you know he’s not keeping bigger secrets from you?” and that is a very valid argument because He could easily be keeping something huge a secret from me, but I know He’s not. I can say that with 100% confidence. Why? Because Daddy is always honest and open with me. The things that He keeps from me, are things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.
I am not advocating that it is okay for the D-types to always keep their s-type in the dark, on everything. Secrets and lies are the building blocks for killing a relationship. I’m a member of the school that just because your title starts with a capital letter, that doesn’t mean you get to be an asshole and treat people like shit. Being a dominant doesn’t give you any kind of special privileges. What I am saying though, I do believe that the D-types do have a right to privacy that the s-type does not have. Also, what I am saying is this needs to be a topic of conversation between partners on equal footing. Is this acceptable behavior from the dominant, from the submissive and what consequences are involved for both parties if the transparency starts becoming not so transparent so that way you and your partner don’t end up having a rather heated argument like the one Brie had with her Sir.