I’ve talked about safewords here before. I believe they are very important for new relationships and when new activities are being introduced. A stop word is a break in the play; one that typically halts play completely, but can also be one where slowing down is the direction. Yes there are people who don’t use safewords and if you decide that they aren’t necessary for your relationship then that’s fine, but I’d strongly recommend that you adopt them for a time first before making this decision.
You have a safeword for a reason. It’s very likely that you came up with the word or words yourself to protect your interests during a scene. You never know what may go on, how you will react or where your limits are that day. Using that safeword will protect yourself. But for many of us, wielding that power is scary and one that you don’t consider unless it is absolutely necessary. When we do break and need to safeword out of a scene we can be fraught with guilt and feelings of failure.
“What if I could have lasted just a bit longer?”
“I feel like a bad sub for using my safeword.”
“Will my Dominant lose trust in me if I use my safeword?”
Having these thoughts can completely mess with your head and heart. I know that many times I have regretted calling my safeword, trying to convince myself that just a few more minutes I could have lasted or that I wasn’t a good sub if I used the stop word.
It’s not like that though. If you feel that you really could have lasted a bit longer then perhaps you have learned that your limit is just a bit further and the next time you play you may be able to reach a little further before you reach the edge. Use it for what it is – a learning experience. We are all novices at one point and you can’t expect to know your limits right from the get go. Don’t let calling your safeword bring doubts about your experience.
You aren’t a bad sub for using your safeword. In fact, quite the opposite. Your Dominant trusts that you will use your safeword if things get too extreme for you. They can’t read every reaction of your body or how you are experiencing the play that day. You honor your Dominant for remembering your safeword and using it.
Yes, it can make you feel guilty. It’s a normal reaction to the power that we yield when we enter a power exchange dynamic. We learn that letting them down can come in many forms – this is NOT one of them. I’m not sure why I ever thought that using my safeword was a failure on my part. Especially since this was something he gave me to use and trusted that I would use it. Not using it and going beyond what I could handle would be a failure. I know that now, and so do you.
- What struggles do you have with your safeword?
- Do you have more than one safeword?
- When was the last time you had to use your safeword? Why did you need it?
- Has your Dominant ever expressed unhappiness for you using the stop word?
Kink Academy Videos about Safewords (affiliate links)