Question: My partner and I are interested in starting a Dom/sub relationship. What are some things we should do beforehand?
Answer:
Welcome to the great big world of D/s! Creating a power exchange dynamic that suits your relationship will take time and I’m glad you are asking what you should set up before you start.
There are a few things I always suggest to couples in your position.
- Both of you write a “day in the life of your ideal dynamic that tries to encapsulate as much as you can think of that you want. You’ll use this to help you have a conversation with your partner in step 4.
- If BDSM is going to be a part of your dynamic, now is the time to fill out a BDSM checklist individually and then share them. Keep an open mind and be aware that you and your partner may be sharing secret fantasies and desires on it, so check your negative responses. You want to be accepting and find mutual pleasures to explore!
- Do some research on power exchange and different dynamics. There are a lot of things to choose from and considerations to be aware of, so take the time to read a few resources, ask a few questions and maybe watch some videos from experienced BDSM educators. You can find some recommended resource lists on Submissive Guide.
- Have a conversation about what the terms Dominant and submissive mean to both of you. Make sure you are both on the same page as far as what may be expected of each other, what fantasies you want to explore, and what an ideal day in your role would look like.
It’s okay if you have slightly different desires and meanings for the terms, but you will want to come to a mutual understanding about what they will look like together and if that will make you happy. Discuss what you want to do and don’t want to do and seek consent to try anything before you get turned on or excited. Informed consent is sexy.
When you’ve been able to share with each other, you can start to plan times to experiment with D/s, whether that be adding a rule to follow, using a title like Sir when in private, or giving requests/commands. Whatever you decide to do first, you’ll be able to do it from a position of informed consent.