Question: I’ve been talking with a DOM who is considering me for sub training and wants me to go to him. What should I expect at the first face-to-face meeting?
Meeting a Dominant for the first time can stir up a lot of emotions—excitement, nerves, curiosity, even a little fear. You might imagine it will feel electric, the first real step into the D/s world you’ve been dreaming about. But before you start planning the drive or the outfit, let’s pause for a moment.
That first meeting isn’t about proving you’re submissive or showing how eager you are to please. It’s about making sure you’re safe, comfortable, and genuinely compatible with this person. The goal is to confirm that what’s been discussed online feels just as right in person.
What the First Meeting Should Look Like
Despite what fantasy might suggest, your first face-to-face shouldn’t start in a dungeon or end with kneeling at their feet. A responsible Dominant understands that before any dynamic can begin, both people need to confirm that they click—mentally, emotionally, and ethically.
A first meeting should be simple and public. Coffee, lunch, a quiet park walk—somewhere you can talk easily, stay relaxed, and step away if you need to. Think of it like a first date, not a first scene. The focus should be conversation, not control.
If they expect you to show submission—call them “Sir,” kneel, or wear a collar—before you’ve met in person, that’s a red flag. Titles, protocols, and acts of service come after mutual trust, not before it. A good Dominant will prioritize your comfort and autonomy over appearances.
Preparing to Meet Safely
Making sure you’re safe empowers you. You deserve to feel secure and confident as you explore this part of yourself. Here are some recommended precautions before your first meeting:
- Meet in public. Choose a neutral location with people around. Never agree to meet at their home, hotel, or a private dungeon for your first encounter.
- Keep control of your transportation. Drive yourself, or arrange your own way home. Don’t let them pick you up or drop you off.
- Tell someone where you’ll be. Give a trusted friend the person’s name, phone number, and where you’re meeting. Arrange a text check-in before, during, and after.
- Verify their identity. If you met online, make sure you’ve video chatted or seen consistent, verifiable signs that they are who they say they are.
- Plan your boundaries. Decide in advance what you’re comfortable with—touch, conversation topics, power dynamics—and hold to them firmly.
These steps aren’t signs of mistrust—they’re standard safety practices in kink communities. A Dominant who respects your safety will appreciate your care and preparation. If they mock or challenge you for taking precautions, cancel the meeting.
Red Flags and Warning Signs
It’s easy to overlook questionable behavior when you’re excited about a potential connection. But red flags are there for a reason. Here are some to watch out for:
- They pressure you to meet privately or travel to them without a public first meeting.
- They frame your boundaries as disobedience or lack of trust.
- They demand submission before mutual consent and understanding are established.
- They dismiss your comfort or push for sexual activity right away.
- They avoid questions or get defensive when you ask about safety, limits, or expectations.
If any of these happen, take a step back. You don’t owe anyone your submission, attention, or time—especially not someone who disregards your autonomy.
What You Might Feel
Even if the meeting goes perfectly, expect a rollercoaster of emotions. It’s completely normal to be nervous or even shaky before meeting. Your brain is processing anticipation, desire, and fear of the unknown all at once.
You might worry about saying the wrong thing, or whether you’ll seem “submissive enough.” But here’s something important: your worth as a submissive isn’t measured by how small or quiet you can make yourself. It’s about being self-aware, authentic, and intentional in your choices.
During the meeting, pay attention to how you feel around this person. Do you feel respected? Heard? Relaxed in their presence? Or are you tense, uncertain, or uneasy? Your body often picks up on red flags faster than your mind does. Listen to it.
The First Meeting Is a Test—for Both of You
Many submissives think the first meeting is about proving themselves worthy of a Dominant’s attention. But it’s equally about seeing whether they are deserving of yours.
A Dominant who’s truly ready to take on training will approach the meeting with care and patience. They’ll ask about your experience level, your safety concerns, and your boundaries. They’ll want to know who you are beyond your submission.
If they seem more interested in what they can do to you than who you are, that’s a clear sign to walk away. The best Dominants value trust and chemistry over immediate control.
Go Slow, Stay Safe, and Trust Yourself
Meeting a potential Dominant in person is an important step, and it should feel empowering, not intimidating. You’re not just exploring kink—you’re exploring compatibility, trust, and emotional safety.
The truth is, you don’t owe submission to anyone you haven’t built a relationship with. Take your time. Keep your independence until you’re certain your trust has been earned.
And if you ever doubt whether you should go, remember this: a Dominant who truly wants to train and care for you will never rush your consent. They’ll give you space to breathe, think, and decide in your own time.
When the right person comes along, your first meeting won’t feel like a test. It’ll feel like a beginning.