Dear lunaKM,
I was in an intense, committed relationship for four years. This relationship had bdsm elements and I am realizing while reading articles on your SubGuide site that it was indeed a bdsm relationship. In addition to our romantic relationship, we also worked together however we lived separately. During our relationship, there were power struggles resulting in my withdrawal from the relationship usually around the same topic: his secrecy/evasiveness. Our love was quite strong despite these issues and we both “blossomed” while together; there was a pretty constant field of positive energy between us.
He recently passed away and when he was ill I helped to take care of him. During that time I had access to his telephone and his computer and discovered voice messages, numerous late-night calls, and text messages from a woman. They ended their communications with “I love you infinity much”.
I don’t know the nature of this relationship and all kinds of thoughts are churning in my head. After reading many posts on your site about “secret submissives”, I believe this was indeed the nature of their relationship, however, I am tempted to contact her to find out for sure.
Question: shall I contact her? She also may not be aware of his passing.
Thanks so much!
First, we’re so sorry for your loss. Grief is never simple, and layered histories like yours make healing all the more difficult. You clearly shared something meaningful with your partner, even if there were struggles. That love and connection still matter—and they’re valid.
Now, about the woman you discovered in his messages. It’s natural to feel confused, even betrayed. When someone dies, we’re left holding not just memories, but questions. The secrecy you mention was already a point of tension during his life. Digging into it now may reopen old wounds rather than bring clarity.
So ask yourself gently: would knowing the nature of their relationship bring you peace, or more pain? Are you seeking healing—or confirmation that your hurt is justified? Sometimes, our need to know is really a longing for control in a moment when we feel powerless. And sometimes, the answers just lead to more grief.
If you do reach out, keep it simple. Let her know he passed away. That’s a kindness, and she may be grieving in her own way. But there’s no need to mention the messages you saw. Doing so could feel invasive and shift the pain onto her—pain she may not have expected or deserved.
You deserve peace. Focus on what helps you heal, not what reopens what he never chose to share. You’re allowed to mourn the good, acknowledge the flaws, and still move forward with compassion for yourself.
You’re not alone in navigating complex grief. Be gentle with yourself.