New to D/s Relationships? Here’s Your Foolproof Guide to Starting Out – Part 2

 

Series: New to BDSM? Start Here

 

This is part two of the guide to starting D/s relationships. If you missed part one, go and read that first.

In the previous article, we talked about how a relationship develops in basic terms, why it’s essential to identify the mechanics, and what you can expect from a D/s relationship. All relationships, no matter the format, will start in similar ways. You’ll get to know one another, explore your likes and dislikes, and discuss your hopes and dreams. Somewhere in there, you may find an attraction to the person and decide you’d like to enter into some committed relationship with them. Again, that’s just the basics. For further reading, check out the previous post.

In this article, we’ll discuss negotiating a D/s relationship, expectations for both partners, and the “in role” mentality that often causes unnecessary stress for new submissives.

Making any relationship work requires negotiation, give-and-take, and a balance of power and responsibilities. Even D/s relationships have these things, although you may not always see them clearly. I don’t think any relationship is a formal sit-down-and-hammer-out-every-detail affair like you would for a peace treaty or trade deal. Relationships are negotiated in bits and pieces, a little at a time, and that process is absolutely worth every moment.

I do hate to admit it, but more often these days, D/s relationships are negotiated through dry, boring checklists and a rapid comparison of wants and needs, rather than simply getting to know someone naturally. I understand the desire to get to compatibility right away. It’s a lot of work nurturing a relationship only to find out you aren’t compatible in something meaningful. But there is also a lot to be said for pacing yourself and allowing discovery to happen organically.

D/s Relationship Negotiation

When starting negotiations for a D/s relationship, you need to know yourself. What I mean is that if you can’t answer basic questions about what you want and need, and what you expect from a Dominant partner, then you really shouldn’t be looking for a relationship yet.

The most successful relationships are formed when both parties know what they want, can express it clearly, and have partners who can accept and support those needs. I know, I know,  you’re excited. You want to explore submission, maybe kink or BDSM, and you want it right now. Trust me, if you take the time to learn who you are and what you want or need, your relationship search will go much smoother.

But what if you’re brand new and genuinely don’t know what you want or need yet?

Then you definitely don’t want to enter into a relationship just to learn, unless that expectation is clearly stated and both people understand there’s a real chance you won’t be compatible long-term. Learning what you want and need takes time. It involves introspection, reading, asking questions, reflecting on experiences, and sometimes realizing that something that sounded appealing in theory doesn’t actually work for you in practice.

There’s no shortcut here, but there is clarity on the other side.

Start by figuring out what you want and need. Wants and needs can be anything, but for D/s relationships, try to focus on what you need from a relationship, what you need from a Dominant to feel submissive, and what you want out of life in the future. Much of this likely hasn’t changed since you were younger, when you first dreamed of adulthood, partnership, or family.

Sit down and write it out. Don’t be stingy, and don’t worry about having too many things on the list. You can always pare it down later. What’s important right now is giving yourself permission to imagine your ideal life so you can seek it intentionally in a relationship.

Ask yourself some of the following questions:

• How much D/s do I want in a relationship? Do I want to keep it in the bedroom, or would I like power exchange outside of it as well?
  
• What does my ideal Dominant look like? Act like?
  
• What are my hopes and dreams for the future (including marriage, living circumstances, children, pets)?
  
• What kinky things do I want to do or try?
  
• How would I describe myself, honestly and in detail?
  

Once you’re pretty clear on what you want and need, your potential partner should have done that work as well. That way, as you date and talk through these topics, you won’t constantly run into a void where your only response is, “I don’t know what I want in that situation.” It’s not entirely avoidable. No one has everything figured out, but you’ll at least know how to figure it out.

Negotiation Is Ongoing

One thing I want to be very clear about is that negotiation is not something you do once and then never revisit. Too often, new submissives believe that once expectations are discussed and agreed upon, they are set in stone. That simply isn’t how real relationships work.

You will change, and your needs will shift. Your confidence may grow, or you may find that what once excited you now feels like pressure. None of this means you’re doing submission wrong. It means you’re human.

Negotiation happens in layers. Early conversations focus on the big picture: what submission and dominance mean to each of you, how much structure you want, and what feels safe. As trust grows, those conversations become more specific. Then you may transition into expectations around play, service, protocol, communication styles, and emotional care. These are not often the beginning of the relationship conversations; they come after trust has blossomed.

Red Flags During Negotiation

Negotiation isn’t just about discovering compatibility; it’s also where many red flags show up early if you’re paying attention.

If renegotiation is treated as weakness or disobedience, that’s not leadership. Healthy Dominance understands that adapting expectations strengthens a relationship rather than undermining it.

If your questions are brushed off, if you’re made to feel foolish for not knowing something yet, or if your needs are dismissed as “not very submissive,” those are warning signs. Negotiation should feel collaborative, not like a test you’re afraid of failing.

Be especially cautious of anyone who rushes commitment, demands immediate obedience, or frames hesitation as a lack of devotion. A Dominant who genuinely cares about your submission will want it to grow willingly, not be forced into place.

Learn What Is Expected of You

A lot of the negotiation period isn’t about what you want, but about learning who you will be for your partner. This must include expectations around behavior, attitude, and the future of your role in the relationship.

If a Dominant cannot explain what submission means to them, that’s a problem. And if they can explain it, but you fundamentally disagree with their definition, that’s an incompatibility, not a failure on either side.

When expectations align, you’ve taken a significant step forward. Start small and build from there. As compatibility and trust deepen, expectations can grow naturally. Trying to define everything all at once often leads to overwhelm or resentment.

There is also an important distinction to be made between expectations and control. Expectations are agreements you have discussed, consented to, and understand. Control without discussion is simply control, and it does not belong in a healthy D/s relationship.

Submission is not about becoming smaller. It’s about offering yourself fully, with intention, trust, and agency.

Contracts and Commitment

D/s contracts are a way to formalize expectations in a dynamic symbolically. They outline the commitment rather than micromanaging every small detail. Think of it as the single page you sign, not the fine print you never read. (That fine print for a D/s relationship is the ongoing negotiation and communication that makes our dynamics so powerful, but it does not belong in a contract because it is fluid and ever-changing.) Rules change as relationships develop.

Instead, contracts work best when they reflect shared values: commitment, care, honesty, fidelity, obedience, service, or whatever applies to your dynamic. If the relationship is new, set a short contract term and revisit it regularly.

Emotional Labor and Care in D/s Relationships

One aspect of D/s relationships that doesn’t get discussed enough is emotional labor. Submission involves vulnerability, and vulnerability requires care.

Dominance is not just about direction and authority. It also involves emotional responsibility, listening, reassurance, and recognizing when submission feels difficult rather than fulfilling. Likewise, submissives contribute emotional labor through support, honesty, and engagement.

A healthy power exchange acknowledges this emotional exchange rather than pretending power alone sustains the relationship.

You Do Not Have to Be “In Role” All the Time

Just because you are negotiating or entering a D/s relationship does not mean you must suddenly be submissive all the time. The majority of power exchange relationships are bedroom-only. Others have clear on/off switches. Some grow slowly into more integrated dynamics.

There is no single correct way to do this.

You are still a sister, daughter, parent, friend, coworker, and a whole human being. Submission is an extension of who you are, not a replacement for it. If you feel overwhelmed or disconnected, talk to your partner. Take a break if you need one. Breaks are healthy and often allow you to return more grounded and enthusiastic than before.

New submissives often worry that stepping out of role means they are failing. That fear leads to burnout very quickly. Balance is not a lack of devotion; it’s what allows devotion to last.

If you ever feel resentful, exhausted, or emotionally numb, that’s a signal to pause and communicate. Ignoring those signs doesn’t make you stronger. It makes you disconnected from yourself.

Giving Yourself Permission to Grow

One of the most important permissions you can give yourself is the permission to grow. You don’t need to have everything figured out before entering a D/s relationship, but you do need to be honest about where you are.

You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to outgrow expectations, dynamics, and even relationships. Submission does not lock you into a version of yourself that no longer fits.

A relationship that truly supports submission will encourage growth, not punish it.

Live happy. Don’t settle.

Do you want to learn more about how D/s works in a relationship? Check out Leading and Supportive Love: The Truth about Dominant and Submissive Relationships by Chris M. Lyon. If you’d like to read Submissive Guide’s review first, you can find it on the site.

Originally published April 3, 2017. Updated and expanded February 2026