Navigating the Challenges of a Vanilla Partner in a Kink World

Often, we discover our desire to be submissive or kinky when we are already in a relationship and are not sure really how to proceed with that. Trying to force your desires on your partner can come as a shock, and if you address the subject without their thoughts in mind, it could end badly. But there is a way forward. Some relationships just need a nudge in the right direction to blossom into power exchange. Let’s cover what you should do to prepare to talk to your partner about your newfound interest, how you can encourage a submissive mindset on your own, and how you can slowly bring kink into the bedroom.

First, I understand that when you discover submission or kink, it can be like lighting a fire inside you, and you will do anything to fan the flames. Keep it at a smolder for a second. Think about your partner and their personality, behaviors, and interactions; how will they react to your revelation?

You must accept that not everyone is wired to enjoy kink or be Dominant or submissive. Just because you have someone who exhibits a dominant personality occasionally does not mean they will want to be Dominant in your relationship. Even though your partner got a little kinky that one time during sex, it does not mean they have a kinky bone in their body and desire to add more to the bedroom. So be prepared to broach the subject with them gently, and be aware that you may not get the answers you’re hoping for.

I understand most of you in relationships don’t even want to consider leaving them for one reason or another, and I’m not asking you to. But remember that you may not have the Dom of your dreams in the making right there in the next room. There ARE things you can do to feel a little bit submissive or a little bit kinky, even if your partner is straight-laced vanilla, and that’s what I’m going to try to help you achieve and work with. If that doesn’t work for you, the next step may be a hard decision to consensually open your relationship up to other partners or end it.

Sit Down and Talk about Your Newfound Desires

Once you’re sure you want to explore BDSM or submission in your relationship, you need to talk to your partner and see if they might be on the same page with your desires. When presenting these new thoughts and needs with your partner, it’s natural to experience excitement and apprehension. So, let’s set you up for success.

Do Your Homework

You can’t just jump into the deep end when you want to learn something new. You want to take some time to learn about the activities you are interested in. The same goes for kink and power exchange. So take some time to understand what you crave, how your partner would be a part of that, and what benefits it would add to the relationship.

Take your time with this part. The more information you gather, the more confidence you have, and it will prepare you for the conversation and the potential questions your partner may have. There are recommended reading lists here on Submissive Guide to get you started, even if you don’t start with a book. Explore the internet and read about other people’s opinions and stories.

Create a Safe Space for the Conversation

You don’t want to have this conversation while lying in bed after a tough day at work or a stressful evening with the kids. You should plan and set up this conversation in advance.

First, tell your partner you want to discuss something you’ve realized about yourself with them, and you would like to set a date and time that you can devote to talking about it. This tells your partner that the conversation is important to you.

When the time comes for the conversation, remove distractions like digital devices, ask the kids to play in their bedroom, or better yet, find a babysitter. Bring any resources you’ve gathered or notes you’ve taken.

Tips for The Conversation

Navigating these discussions requires a delicate balance of honesty, trust, and mutual respect. It’s always nice to start a conversation that isn’t about something that needs correction with a compliment or some positive praise. Tell your partner how you feel about them, and dispel any concerns they have that this will be a “we’re having problems” sort of talk.

When you’re ready, begin with “I feel” statements. Share what you’ve discovered about yourself and what you hope will be the talk’s outcome. Present the new information with open curiosity, allowing space for your partner to absorb what you’re saying and ask questions as they come.

Answer the questions you can and those you can’t, and make a note of them so that you can go away and find that information and answer them later. If your partner needs time to think about what you’ve revealed, give them that time. Ask to reschedule another meeting when they are ready to talk. Do not pressure them to have an answer right away. It’s okay to come back to the conversation later.

If you need more advice on how to present your BDSM interest to your partner, there are some fantastic essays on this site.

• Initiating a Discussion about BDSM Interest with Your Partner – ted_subby – Part 1 of a 3-part series. Highly recommended.
• Ask SehAnru | Communicating Kinky Needs to a Vanilla Partner – SehAnru
• Establishing a Safe, Trusting Environment for Talk – lunaKM

While discussing the idea of adding kink or power exchange to the relationship can be exciting, it’s crucial to prioritize the well-being and happiness of both partners. Change is to come from a place of willingness. You can’t make someone be something they are not, but supportive partners may decide to allow for some things to change if it betters the relationship. Whatever decision is made, allow it to come about at its own pace.

Introducing Bedroom Kink Into an Existing Relationship

If kink is your desire, most people are willing to spice up their sex life a little bit, and it is easier to add to an existing relationship in some capacity. Whatever you do, don’t overwhelm your partner by saying you want to be tied up, whipped, flogged, made to cry, and then fucked silly. While that sounds hot in fantasy, it’s hard to pull off as a novice and is too much to plan. But you can experiment with one thing at a time.

Talk with your partner about any fantasies you have and would like to do with them. Ask your partner what kind of fantasies they have and try to incorporate them into your sex life. You may also want to look at a BDSM checklist, which is a long list of BDSM and kink activities where you can rank your interest level. There are dozens of them for you to look at through a simple search. You can fill them out together or separately and then come together to talk about mutual interests.

Don’t let the ball drop once you get someone interested in trying something. Flirt with it, talk dirty or send naughty texts, experiment, play around, and be adventurous. You may find that you both have interests to explore and fun things to do with each other that you never thought possible. It could bring your relationship closer together and engage a level of intimacy that was not possible before. Your relationship dynamic could change for the better. Revel in the changes and enjoy yourself.

Start simple; pick one to start learning about and exploring. Perhaps that’s blindfolds and light bondage. It could be a bit of bedroom power exchange where one person gets to do whatever they want to the other within limits. You might like to frame your playtime in role-play, as it can make people feel freer to express themselves because it’s “not them, but a character they are playing” that’s so into the kinky things they are doing. A couple to try would be naughty student and teacher, ship captain and stowaway, or bad cop and prisoner.

In essence, introducing bedroom kink into an existing relationship is about embracing exploration, mutual fulfillment, and pleasure. By starting with open communication and a willingness to take things one step at a time, you lay the groundwork for exciting new experiences together.

Embracing Submission to the Relationship

After long talks about your desire to be their submissive, your partner may decide that with all the information they’ve been given and the self-reflection they embarked on, they are not capable or willing to be the Dominant you are looking for. In cases where leaving the relationship is not desired, you may need to adopt a “submissive to the relationship” mentality to meet some of your desires. This is not without its challenges and is far from ideal; however, finding ways to nurture the relationship without relying on your partner to lead can be enriching. It requires open communication, empathy, and a willingness to adapt.

In this section, we’ll delve into practical strategies for fostering a solo submissive dynamic that nurtures the relationship and the spirit of submission while building a partnership that thrives on shared exploration, mutual understanding, and support.

The decision to stay in a relationship without D/s when you crave submission is a hard one. It’s not ideal, but it is possible. For everyone who attempts to embark on a solo submission journey, many will decide that submitting to an idea and not a person isn’t fulfilling enough. But if your relationship is built to support one another in whatever way possible, you may be able to find some way to shift your desires to ones that better yourself and your relationship with your partner.

Think about the things you do daily that could be a submissive service to your partner. From making their coffee, preparing meals, housework, child care, making appointments for them, learning all you can about their interests, being sexually available, dressing in clothing you know they like, and so on. Start putting these things in the “I submit in this way” category. Start treating it as submissive actions. Start a journal to track your progress in making these mental changes and logging your thoughts and feelings.

For the most part, you will be responsible for setting goals, shifting behavior patterns, and correcting behavior if it degrades or stops honoring the relationship or your partner. Creating a personal submissive protocol may help orient your mindset to service and submission. You can read about creating a personal protocol on Submissive Guide.

If you need more ideas, you can expand your idea of serving and submission to include what you do for your family, friends, and the community. Many submissives enjoy volunteering at animal shelters, homeless shelters, event coordination, and other venues that rely on volunteer assistance.

Adding a daily meditation or submissive affirmations will help you stay focused on what you desire and feed your submissive spirit as you find ways to serve your partner, family, relationship, and community without the direct power exchange.

If you have an attentive partner, they will notice you are happy doing things that take care of them or nurture the relationship. It’s not a direct feeling because your partner isn’t actively asking or expecting you to do these things, but it should fill you with a sense of fulfillment as your partner learns what is driving you.

Take some time to have regular discussions with your partner about what you are doing and what the changes in focus are doing for you. In these discussions, you want to use “I” statements and don’t accuse them of not being enough or doing enough to develop your submissive desires. These aim to keep the communication lines open and share with them how doing the things you’ve established makes you feel. You may encourage them to help you in ways that benefit you both!

Finally, remember that relationship communication should happen often and be non-threatening. Not every situation turns out for the better. Some people just can’t be kinky and don’t want to entertain your fantasies or power exchange relationship desires. You may have to make a difficult choice never to entertain your desires or to find someone who will. It could mean consensually opening your relationship to make room for a Dominant while keeping the existing relationship. It could mean that you become an online submissive and get your emotional and mental desires fed that way.

Whatever happens, hard decisions may be ahead of you. Hopefully, you will both be able to talk to each other and compromise on the best solution for your future happiness. Whatever you decide, you deserve to be happy and fulfilled.