Dear SG, I’m in love with my Master. That’s natural right? Over a decade with this man. He’s in love with me as well but I’m not so sure that I’m what he needs anymore. His need for his sadistic ways to flourish are being held back by me. Is that fair? That because of his love for me that he suppress this? As his submissive /slave, is it wrong for me to decide this for him? Tell him that I’m no longer what he needs. Or do I sit back and watch the man I love, my Master, struggle internally? My heart aches because I want, with ever fiber of my being, for him to have what he needs to thrive. But it’s not me. So while wanting this for him, I am giving up what I want – the ultimate submission right? What do I do? I feel that I am nothing without him, my world would crumble. He is all I know. The only that I’ve felt trusting enough to submit to fully. It is He who ushered me into the beauty of this lifestyle. He has stated that we need to bring another sub along for our journey. I have begun looking. But in looking am I finding my replacement? That someone who will be it all for Him? Probably so, and that makes the search that much more tedious and heartbreaking . Finding the one who is the be all for Him, when all these years that’s all I desired for, strived for. Heartbreaking indeed, yes? So what shall I do? Leave and feel like dying? Or stay and feel insignificant? –Not Enough
I can feel your pain and uncertainty in your words, and my heart is breaking for you. You have a few things going on here, so I’ll do my best to address each of them.
First of all, you both are allowed to, can, and should decide what you want for your relationship to be and whether or not you want it to continue. But you don’t get to decide for him whether you’re enough, you’re holding him back, or he’s somehow lacking. You don’t get to decide that as a person or as his submissive/slave. Only he can decide that.
Without knowing anything but your pain, I can’t even begin to tell you whether he feels the way you believe he does. You seem to have decided that he does because he has a sadistic side that he’s not able to fully enjoy with you. Have you talked to him about how you’re feeling? That would be the first step in all of us. In this email, you’ve decided that the relationship is over because he can’t be completely and fully who you believe he should be, but I don’t see any indication that he’s told you any of that.
From my experience, submissives have a tendency to read into every emotion, every facial expression, and every word our Dominants say to us. I think we do this, in part, because we’re desperate to anticipate their needs and please them. There have been many times I’ve assumed there was something wrong with my own Dominant when in reality he was stressed from work and exhausted. Just because we are usually pretty good at anticipating what they want or need doesn’t mean we’re always right.
Instead of assuming he doesn’t need you or isn’t fulfilled, you need to talk to him. And you need to listen to what he tells you. If you’re still unsure, watch his actions. They should match what he tells you. If he says one thing but does another, then you have reason to worry. Until then, you might just be overthinking things.
Next, if he does have a sadistic side that he isn’t able to fully express within your existing dynamic, there are options. It seems that you’re in the process of working towards one option – taking on a new submissive.
I’m concerned here, not because adding a new submissive is a bad idea – it can be great for a relationship that can handle the additional person, responsibilities, and feelings. The only way this will work, though, is if you communicate fully and completely. You have a lot of conflicting feelings about whether this is a good idea or not. If you go into this with the belief you may be finding your own replacement, you aren’t in a good space to add a third person to your relationship.
You need to talk to your Master, immediately. Lay it all out. Tell him every fear, every concern, every thought you have about this person being your future replacement. I wouldn’t go forward at all until you’ve talked to one another and your fears have been dealt with.
That being said, if he needs to let his sadistic side out, you don’t necessarily have to open your relationship up to a third person. What you may need to do, if you haven’t already, is to become involved in your local community, find the local BDSM club/dungeon, and find someone who he trusts and respects to be the masochistic bottom to his sadistic top. If you and he are both agreeable to this idea, that person wouldn’t be a part of your relationship and the interaction would be kept to scenes at the club or the party. He’s getting in itch scratched, and your relationship is still closed.
However, even that won’t work well until you’re both on the same page about your relationship, where it’s headed, what you both need, and how you both feel about it all. Regardless of which direction you head in, together or apart, nothing can happen until you tell him how you feel and let him tell you how he feels about all of this. You’ve got to talk to him.