Dear lunaKM,
I am new to the lifestyle, and have never had a true Dom. However, now there is a Dom that has shown interest in me, alongside his current submissive/fiancee. While it would be a long distance relationship (LDR), I am interested in the offer, but unsure as how to pursue.
To give a bit more insight, this Dom and his primary sub have both stated to me that they would be interested in play, but have not stated anything other than perhaps a single night or occasionally recurring sexual meet-up. I am interested in more, but have too little knowledge on how to approach them in asking for that.
I have never been in a polyamorous relationship before, though I have had the occasional couple pursue me. Do you have any advice on both coming into an already established relationship as an outsider, and on how to ask this couple if they would be interested in more than a one time affair?
-polycurious
Dear polycurious,
Your question is a good one, and something that is on the mind of probably any new submissive with their first Dom, whether it’s a poly situation or not. How do you let this person know you’re interested but want more or something different from what they’re offering?
The answer is both deceptively simple and really difficult for a lot of people – you have to tell them.
You shouldn’t enter into any agreement with this couple (or any kinkster) without a lot of conversation. During those talks, everyone should be able to say what they want from this, what they don’t want, and any expectations they have for how things will work.
This is a good time to say whether you want more than they’re offering or not. Only they can decide if it will work for them, but it’s much better to get it out into the open as soon as possible. As things progress, everyone needs opportunities to continue sharing how they feel and what they think about how things are going.
Poly
or not, BDSM requires a lot of communication especially when you’re long distance. And once you add in the poly element, you need even more. Feelings will come up that you never expected. Things will go differently than you imagined. You may decide you want more or you might decide you want less.
Ideally, communication will be open and easy with each of you being able to reach out as you need to. If that won’t work for your situation, set up a dedicated time on a regular basis for you to talk to each other. This will give you a chance to let your partners know if anything is bothering you or on your mind, and it will give them the opportunity to do the same with you.
Since you’re new, I caution you about moving too fast or ignoring your own needs in this process. If all they want is sex (and there’s nothing wrong with that) it’s much better that you understand that as you go into this. Only you can decide if that will be enough for you or if you’re better off waiting for someone to come along who can offer you more.
There’s nothing wrong with deciding that you’ll have some kinky fun and learn a few new things with this couple, either. But be realistic with yourself about what they’re offering and what you want. And always keep the lines of communication open to discuss things as they occur.
