It’s time for another Ask SubGuide question! We love using these monthly posts to spark conversation, offer guidance, and support the questions so many of us carry as submissives. Whether this directly applies to you or simply gets you thinking, we hope it adds something meaningful to your month.
Question: How do you know if your partner can truly be the Dominant you need—or if you’re just not compatible that way?
My husband and I have been together a long time, and only recently started exploring D/s. I’m deeply submissive—I crave presence, structure, intensity, control that feels lived-in, not performed. He’s loving and willing, but his dominance feels surface-level, like we’re just acting out scenes instead of truly inhabiting the dynamic.
I’ve started wondering if this is something he’ll ever grow into… or if I’m trying to force a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit. I’ve also been thinking more about non-monogamy—not to replace him, but to stop starving parts of myself he might never be able to feed.
I’m stuck between trying to decide, waiting it out, bringing up opening the relationship, or—God forbid—walking away?
Answer:
This is a hard place to be. I want to say that clearly, because what you are describing is not casual disappointment or a fleeting curiosity. This is grief. It is longing. It is the slow realization that something you need might not be available where you hoped it would be.
When we discover submission later in a long-term relationship, it can feel both exhilarating and terrifying. On one hand, we finally have language for desires that have lived quietly in our bodies for years. On the other hand, we are asking a partner we already love to meet us somewhere new, somewhere vulnerable, somewhere that requires depth and intention. That is not a small ask.
You are not wrong for wanting more than surface-level dominance. Wanting presence, structure, consistency, and control that feels lived in rather than performed is not asking for fantasy. It is asking for embodiment. Many submissives crave a dynamic that exists outside of scenes, one that shows up in tone, decision making, ritual, and responsibility. When that is missing, scenes can start to feel hollow, like dress up without meaning.
What matters here is not whether your husband is doing something wrong. It is whether the two of you are actually aligned in what you want to build.
One of the hardest lessons many submissives eventually learn is that willingness is not the same thing as desire. A partner can love you deeply, want you to be happy, and still not genuinely want the role you are asking them to inhabit. That does not make them lazy or uncaring. It means the role may not live in them the way it lives in you.
Dominance that lasts is not sustained by technique alone. It requires internal motivation. It involves curiosity, ownership, and a desire to grow into responsibility rather than perform it for someone else’s sake. When dominance feels surface-level, it is often because the Dominant is acting rather than choosing.
Before you decide whether to wait, open the relationship, or walk away, there is an important step you should take first. You need clarity. Not just for yourself, but together.
That clarity begins with a different kind of conversation than most couples have.
Instead of asking him to try harder, learn more, or do a better job of dominance, ask questions that reveal how he actually feels about the role. Questions like:
What draws you to dominance, if anything, when you imagine it without me in the picture?
What parts of being dominant feel energizing to you, and what parts feel like pressure?
If you did not have to perform dominance for me, would you still want to explore it for yourself?
How do you feel when I ask for structure or control outside of scenes?
Do you want this dynamic, or do you want me to be fulfilled?
These are not easy questions. They require both of you to set aside fear and defensiveness. They also require you to be prepared for answers that may hurt.
What you are listening for is not reassurance. It is honesty.
If his answers reveal curiosity, hunger, and a desire to grow into dominance for his own reasons, then there may be room to slow down, resource him, and give that growth time. Dominance can be learned, but it cannot be outsourced. He would need to take ownership of that journey himself.
If his answers reveal reluctance, obligation, or a sense that he is doing this primarily for you, then the dynamic you want is unlikely to deepen, no matter how patient you are. No amount of waiting can turn willingness into desire.
This is where many submissives start quietly starving themselves. We downplay our needs. We tell ourselves that love should be enough. We convince ourselves that wanting more is selfish. Over time, resentment grows, not because our partner failed us, but because we abandoned ourselves.
You also mentioned non-monogamy, and I want to tread carefully here.
Opening a relationship can be ethical, nourishing, and deeply supportive for some people. It can also be used to avoid grief. If non-monogamy is on the table, it deserves the same level of honesty and intention as any other major relationship decision.
Before bringing it to him as a solution, ask yourself a few hard questions.
Are you seeking additional dominance because you want to explore abundance, or because you are trying to patch a wound?
Would you still want non-monogamy if he never became more dominant?
Are you hoping this will save your marriage, or are you preparing for the possibility that it might change it permanently?
If you do decide to talk with him about opening the relationship, it needs to be framed as exploration, not replacement. It also needs to include space for his feelings, fears, and boundaries. Ethical non-monogamy only works when no one is being coerced into acceptance out of fear of loss.
And then there is the question you do not want to ask, but already have.
What if this is not compatible?
Compatibility is not just about love, shared history, or sexual chemistry. It is about whether the lives you want to build can coexist without someone shrinking. Walking away from a loving but misaligned relationship is not failure. It is grief in motion. It is choosing truth over comfort.
I will not tell you what decision to make. That is not my place. What I will say to you is this.
You cannot force someone to become the Dominant you need.
You can invite them.
You can support them.
You can give time and space for growth.
But you cannot build a dynamic on hope alone.
Whatever path you choose, let it be rooted in honesty, not desperation. Let it include your needs as real, valid, and worthy of care. And remember that choosing yourself does not mean you love your partner any less. It means you are no longer willing to disappear to keep the peace.
You deserve a dynamic that feels inhabited. You deserve presence that does not have to be performed. And you deserve the dignity of making this decision with open eyes and an open heart.