Full Question: Ending a dynamic as a sub feels SO hard. The desire to please is so strong. Help?
Answer:
Breaking free from a relationship not serving you is hard, no matter how you identify. As a submissive, you may have a high inclination to submit to the person you no longer want to be in a relationship with, out of service or a fear that you will lose everything you thought you had.
But, and this is a big but, you are doing yourself a disservice if you stay in a relationship that is not the best one for you. Be true to yourself. Even if the other person might be hurt by your decision, it’s OK to do what’s right for you. I understand that you feel committed to your role. It’s powerful to submit to someone; for many, it feels like the most natural place to be. But you need to try to come at this from a neutral perspective.
Generally, you should pick a private location where your partner feels safe. However, if your partner is emotionally or physically abusive, then you should pick a public location.
Start by being direct yet empathetic. You might say something like, “This is really hard, and it hurts me to say it, but I can’t be in this relationship anymore. I know this hurts you too, and that makes this even more difficult.”
When explaining your reasons for the breakup, aim for honesty without assigning blame. Try to find a balance that acknowledges the challenges without pointing fingers. Your partner will likely seek reasons for the breakup later, and providing clear, truthful explanations can help them process it more easily.
Stay firm in your decision. If your partner begs you to reconsider, remind yourself that no one should have to beg to stay in a relationship. Trust that you’ve made the right choice for both of you.
If they respond with anger, remain calm and understand that this is likely a reaction to the pain they’re feeling. If they become sad, show empathy by acknowledging their pain and apologizing for the hurt you’re causing.
Finally, if they promise to change, remember that you’ve already tried to make things work in the past. If it didn’t work before, it’s unlikely to work now. Trust in your decision and focus on moving forward.
Then allow yourself to grieve the end of the relationship. Be kind to yourself. Embrace everything you learned about yourself and what you need so that you are more aware of your needs when you are ready to date again.
