When KnyghtMare started developing desires for play that I wasn’t interested in or wasn’t capable of there was a fear in the pit of my stomach. I was afraid that he would leave me for someone else that wanted to do these things. I felt very insecure about my place in his life and was thrust into the even more unstable ground when he brought up playing with others within agreed upon limits.
I knew how intimate the play was between us, how could I be okay with him playing with others within any limits?
This very situation was brought to me in an email not too long ago. Someone in a relationship but not fully compatible play-wise has the same fears that I did. Can I help her? I think so. Here’s what I replied to her. Feel free to add your own comments below.
It’s natural to feel like you aren’t enough when your partner asks to go from a closed relationship to an open one. In society we are taught to believe that one person is our everything, the person that completes us, our other half, so to speak. In practice, this is not true. I have girlfriends and male friends. I have people I look up to and respect. I have people I can talk to about certain topics that my partner doesn’t enjoy. And so does he. It’s what makes us social creatures. So the idea that we have just one person that fulfills all of our relationship desires is flawed.
Your partner values you in their life or they wouldn’t even consider asking to open the relationship to explore play with others. In a vanilla relationship, it is more likely that the relationship would just end – blamed on compatibility, just kaput. The beauty of a D/s relationship is that we recognize that each person in our life is valuable and important. Instead of just breaking his relationship with you, he has asked you to be a part of the evolution of the relationship. He’s willing to set boundaries for the explorations and abide by them to respect you!
You just can’t be everything to one person. It’s clear that the play that you are not interested is a need for him. You both have to find a way for him to fulfill his needs and keeps your primary relationship whole. Continuing to talk about these needs and how you can help him feel more fulfilled in the relationship is important. This isn’t the time to close up and try to protect what you have. It’s time to blossom and show him what more you can become.
Insecurities aside, yes it is possible that he may find someone that he’s more compatible with on all levels and then who are you to keep him from that happiness? But for the level of play that he’s seeking, and the willingness that he is to follow whatever limits you place on that play – he wants to keep you in his life. You trust him and that’s good. Perhaps try it on a limited basis. Be there for the play if you can. See how it makes you feel and watch how things change or not afterward. Is it worth it to you to try? Definitely. Then talk about it.
Ever since KM and I opened our relationship to his playing with others our relationship has been stronger and more fulfilling for me and him. We’ve grown closer, stronger and more in love than I thought possible. He’s finally happy. For the longest time, he felt restricted and limited in what play he could do, and those desires would frustrate him to the point that he would stop play suddenly knowing that I couldn’t go there and he couldn’t NOT go there. It was difficult for us. But now… he can let his beast out on other play partners that want to experience that and then I get the play that makes me feel good too. He’s more Dominant focused now and our relationship has grown more intimate and special. I can only hope the same for all relationships.
Does he have feelings for his play partner? Sure, but nothing is more important to him than his primary relationship with me. And he reminds me of that. Constantly. He loves me and would stop in a heartbeat if I asked him too. But why would I? He’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him. He’s free. I can’t hold him back any longer.
It’s never easy to set aside insecurities. No one is asking you to go at this alone. Your partner is there and wants you to come with him as he fulfills his needs. If you think you can open up to it; I’d let him and see where this new road takes you.