Full Question: Can two BDSM submissives have a regular vanilla relationship? What happens as the couple grows closer, and one person wants the other to change to a Top/Dom?
Answer:
Let’s start by saying there is no “normal relationship.” Can two submissives have a successful vanilla relationship together? The answer is “yes, two people can have a healthy/happy relationship if they are both being fulfilled as a person.” But the crux is that “fulfillment” part.
I know after self–reflection that I could not live without participating in a Dominant/submissive dynamic. So hypothetically, if I had a submissive partner, several options for me to be fulfilled would be: take turns switching so we both are fulfilled s-types at varying times, both of us simply enjoy being submissive with each other and encourage serving each other, or to delegate out the Dominance/Topping in an ethically non-monogamous (ENM) agreement that suits both partners.
I would start by journaling what is important to us as submissives, writing out what words and actions make each party feel like they are fulfilled (is it play? or service?), writing what actions that seem Dominant each is willing to perform (or not comfortable doing), and how each person feels about ENM in very specific terms. Then a conversation can take place- either alone together or with a kink-aware counselor- to come up with a plan on how each submissive can enjoy their vanilla relationships as well as feel fulfilled as an s-type.
OP asks: “What happens as a couple grows closer and one wants the other to change to a Top/Dom?” Well… I think that comes down to self-reflection and the ability to honestly convey what you are comfortable with. We know how to make compromises in our vanilla relationships. I, for example, became a vegetarian. When I switched from omnivore to vegetarian, my husband and I had to compromise to get to a place where we both felt fulfilled. Each of us laid out many options. We found a solution that made us both feel heard.
The same holds true in Power Exchange dynamics. Two parties need to have in-depth conversations about how they could feel happy & fulfilled. “I am not comfortable doing any Dominant activities” is a valid POV; it may mean the relationship can’t be fulfilled without ENM options. But if you can find specific compromises like “I am comfortable with once weekly in-scene play where we will take turns Topping with impact tools, and after play we provide aftercare from within our egalitarian, loving relationship,” you will be headed to a happy & healthy relationship together. Expect the need for constant, continued conversation to be sure each party is satisfied. But this is the case for all kinky- and vanilla- relationships.