When I talk about my life as a kinkster, I talk about being a parent of two kids. It shocks a lot of people to know I’m in a 24/7 D/s relationship and a parent. A lot of people ask, “How can you be a parent and a submissive?”
I always imagine there’s a bit pearl-clutching going on when some people ask. They’re imagining me naked, collared, and crawling on the floor while my kids eat dinner or watch cartoons. I’m from the South, so I think, “Bless their heart” and smile, before talking to them about what D/s with kids around actually looks like – at least for me.
On the other hand, sometimes it’s a submissive who has kids, wants kids, or whose partner has kids, and they honestly believed the two can’t mix. When I come across that person, I send them a virtual hug and assure them of one very clear thing.
Yes, you can be a parent and a kinkster at the same time.
Is it easy? Not always but when is anything as a parent easy? Is it worth it? I think so. I’ve been a parent as a non-kinkster and now as a submissive, and while I have to be more creative in hiding our sexy fun and kinky toys, I’m much more calm as a mom and in my relationship than I was before kink.
Let’s go over some of the things people believe about why you can’t be both.
Kinksters behave in a sexual or kinky way all the time.
Wrong! I wish I could kneel at my Dominant’s feet, crawl for him, and spend my time naked. That’s the fantasy (or maybe the child-free part) of D/s. In reality, kinksters spend most of our time living, working, and, yes, parenting in a very vanilla world. My children don’t see me naked unless they walk in on me in the bathroom. Considering they’re both boys who are easily embarrassed by the adults in their life, it’s not something I worry about.
You can’t do anything Dominant or submissive with kids around.
Yes you can! The key is to be subtle. I make my Dominant’s coffee. I pour him a cold drink at dinner. I serve him before myself. I offer to get him dessert. These things make me look like I’m being nice, but in reality, I’m doing tasks he set for me when we first moved in together. Not all D/s activities are sexual or obviously kinky.
Your kids might catch you and then they’ll be scarred for life!
Kids walk in on their vanilla parents having sex all the time, and we don’t worry about this issue. First of all, lock your door. Second, realize that your children won’t necessarily think anything is weird or “wrong” with something you’re doing unless you act like it is. If they catch you (so far my kids haven’t walked in on me), remain calm and tell them something age appropriate. “We were have special adult time” for the little ones or “We were having sex” for the kids old enough to understand that concept. You don’t have to go into detail or explain yourself. If you were getting rough, you may need to assure them that no one is hurt or in trouble.
Kids will ask uncomfortable questions that you shouldn’t answer.
Guess what? They ask uncomfortable questions that have nothing to do with sex All. The. Time. “Mom, why is your belly squishy?” “Mom, why don’t you have a penis?” (Did I mention they’re both boys?) “Mom, why is that lady so old?” That last one is usually asked at top volume in the middle of a grocery store. As a parent, we have to deal with awkward questions from our kids every single day. Whether they catch you having sex, see your leather corset, or, like me, hear you being spanked, you can handle the question better than you think.
Children don’t need to know about kinky sex.
Since my children are 11 and 6, for right now, I agree with that so I don’t talk about kink with them. I am educating them about sex, though. But everything they learn is age appropriate and based on questions they’re asking or the stage they’re at. My oldest cringes when I say the word “sex”, so talking about kink isn’t something I worry about, but if he asked something specific, I would find a way to answer his question.
If you’ve been avoiding exploring your kinky side because you’re a parent and thought you couldn’t, reconsider. You have to be more creative with what you do – and when you do it – but it is definitely possible to have your kinky side and be a parent. Like everything we do as parents, it’s about trying to find the balance and what works best for your family.