Question: Why is it called serving a Dominant? I don’t like that kind of phrasing and insinuation that I am somehow below the Dominant.
Answer:
It’s completely understandable that the word “serve” can rub you the wrong way. In everyday life, “service” often gets tangled up with ideas of being lesser, having lower status, or being in a position without power. If that’s the lens you’re looking through, it makes sense you’d feel uncomfortable with the phrase “serving a Dominant.”
But in the context of a healthy D/s dynamic, service isn’t about your worth or place on some imaginary ladder. It’s about an action you choose to give, not a rank you’re forced into.
In D/s, service simply means doing something with care and intention for another person. That could be making coffee just the way your Dominant likes it, keeping a journal they’ve asked you to write in, preparing for a scene, or greeting them in a way that’s meaningful to you both. It’s not about being “beneath” them — it’s about fulfilling a role you’ve agreed to because it brings both of you satisfaction.
And here’s something people sometimes forget: Dominants serve, too. Their service just looks different. A Dominant might serve by creating structure, offering guidance, providing protection, and making sure scenes and dynamics are safe, fulfilling, and aligned with your needs. They serve by holding space for you to submit. They serve by learning you inside and out so they can lead well.
When we look at it this way, service is a mutual exchange. You’re not giving from a place of lesser value, and they’re not receiving because they’re inherently “above” you. You’re each serving the dynamic in your own ways so that it thrives.
That said, words matter. If “serving” doesn’t sit well with you, it’s okay to find different language that works better. Some people use “supporting,” “partnering,” or “offering care.” Others drop labels altogether and just describe the specific acts they enjoy. What matters most is that the words you and your partner choose feel authentic and affirming for you.
So while “serving a Dominant” is a common shorthand in the kink community, it’s not a declaration of your social value — it’s simply one way of describing the care and intention you bring to your role. You always get to decide whether that phrasing feels right in your own dynamic.