Full Question: Do you have any advice for someone already in a committed relationship (marriage, for example) who discovers that she is submissive or at least has submissive tendencies? Until this discovery, the sex was mostly vanilla with very light choking play occasionally (so my partner MIGHT have some interest).
Answer:
I have lived this and have a success story to share! My Dominant and I transitioned from a vanilla, egalitarian marriage to a kinky D/s one and are living the marriage of our dreams now.
Here are some of my best tips from when I swallowed my fear and admitted my desire to submit in the bedroom (and eventually outside of it.)
1. If you already have some reference to the partner being interested, just rip off the band-aid. I like to suggest using a frame of reference to BDSM- an episode of a show or movie that features D/s, maybe a book or social media post. When you are both together and feeling brave, say, “I saw XYZ, and I got to say, I thought it was kind of hot. Do you think it is too?” Then, listen to the response.
2. Clear, honest answers get you further faster. Be sure to take time to analyze internally what you are interested in and not. Be ready to clearly state what interests you.
3. Be prepared for them to not give the ideal response and give space for them to answer. Maybe even start with, “I have something important to talk to you about, and I want you to know you don’t have to respond right now. I have been thinking about it, so I know how I feel, but I understand if you want to take a few days to consider how you feel, and we can talk about it when you do.”
4. If your partner is interested, spend some time discussing what it is to try out first. Cite specific acts that would make you excited to start trying (“ I would like to be bound with rope to our bed while you use my body”) and together research info about aftercare and sub-drop as a good start to play.
5. If they are not interested, be ready to discuss the future implications of that difference of interests. My husband and I were lucky in that he was as interested in Dominating as I was in submitting. But this is only sometimes the case; you must be ready for that conversation.
Try to stay flexible in your desires and expectations of their response, and you will be well on your way to possibly getting started submitting!