Sometimes, even though you try your hardest, that spark of submission fades. Whether that be from stress, relationship issues, a death in the family or some other upheaval there may come a time when you feel yourself fighting submission, arguing with every request and pushing against your Dominant at every turn. You may even just feel listless, depressed or uninterested in anything submissive. But you can relearn submission and find a way to embrace that small flame that is in there and help it to grow.
After nine years being in KnyghtMare’s collar, he removed it. It was, in fact, a long time coming. I had lost all drive to submit and I had been fighting his dominance over me for a long time. We were going through a lot of relationship stress at the time and things just had reached the tipping point. It’s been 18 months since that day, but it pains me just thinking of it. One day I would love to wear his collar again, but until then I have a lot of work to do.
I know that my situation isn’t the same as someone who has ended the entire relationship and has to start over from scratch, but I feel my story might help someone out there who has been in a similar stretch of life. KnyghtMare and I are still husband and wife and we still love each other. It’s just the D/s that’s broken.
Rekindling my submissiveness is one of the big things I have to work on. I’m still working on it, to be fair. I’ve got a long road to travel, but just recently I’ve begun feeling that submissive spark again. It was first little moments in time where I felt at peace doing something for KnyghtMare, but it was fleeting so when it left I was crying. The pain of having that submissive feeling leave was unbearable. Now, I feel like I have a small spark that all it needs is a breeze to be glowing which is a comfort. But KnyghtMare is far from ready to accept my submission again and in turn exert his Dominance over me. So what am I to do?
When you start feeling submissive again, or if you are single but have a need to submit, you learn how to submit without Dominance, or Dominate yourself. It’s mostly about personal growth, introspection, repairing damage and healing. But it’s also about showing your Dominant, or perspective Dominant (or future Dominant) that you have it in you again and when the time is right, they will accept it.
What You Can Do To Rekindle Your Submission
I’ve taken a few steps since that flame rekindled while I wait for the right time for KnyghtMare to join me in D/s. These are all things you can do without a Dominant in your life that might feed your needs and at least keep the submissive focus alive and well. I’ve used all of the ones I’m talking about at least once to help me make positive progress.
Find What Makes You Feel Submissive and Use It
We all know a few things that makes us feel very submissive. For me, one of the things that can easily get me feeling submissive is doing some personal grooming that I’d be going if I were with a Dominant. I can take my time shaving, lotioning up my skin or even just spending a few extra moments perfecting what makeup I’m wearing that day helps me.
Other ideas would be volunteering for an event, hosting a dinner party if service is something you love, or simply reading a book about submission and then reflecting on that.
I’m still with KnyghtMare so I was able to take some of the things that I do for him normally and add a silent mantra, a ritual to it or just concentrated focus to help me embrace that submissive feeling.
More on Mantras:
Personal Rituals and Rules
Speaking of rituals, one of the easiest things you can do right now is to select a task you do every single day without thinking, and add a ritual to it. That ritual will help you focus on that task. Make it purposeful and it will slow your mind down to allow you to think about how you’re feeling and to cultivate it.
I’ve also given myself some rules and guidelines. If you have habits you want to crush or improve, this is the perfect time to do so. Being in control of yourself in this way can bring out your submissiveness because we all savor self improvement successes. They empower us to be who we want to be.
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Find Accountability
Accountability can take on many forms. I work well with trackers and logs personally, but having a buddy that just checks in with you on a regular basis is also helpful. When you want to reach your own submission it often involves a desire to have rules or guidelines, at least it does for me. So I drew up a plan of things that I missed from when I wore KnyghtMare’s collar and am implementing them myself with a tracker that I can check things off on as I do them to keep me going.
If you can find someone to be your cheerleader, or a support group of other submissives that is a wonderful source of accountability. Not only can you feel that what you’re doing will make you a better person and ultimately a better submissive, but you’ll have other people boosting your confidence and praising your progress. FetLife, the social networking site for kinky people has a lot of groups built specifically for accountability an a wide range of areas and many more submissive support groups. I encourage you to search one out, get to know the atmosphere and if it works for you, join in.
More on Accountability:
What Would Your Dominant Do (WWYDD)
One of the best mantras to have, something you can say at any point in the day, aloud or in your head is, “what would my Dominant do?” Sure it’s a play on an already existing phrase but it will help keep your focus aimed true on what you want; obedience, submission, care. So if you’re out at the store and see something you’d really love to have, but not sure about, just consider what would your Dominant do? Would he say you could have it or would he remind you that you’re on a budget and saving for the next trip you want to go on? Go with what you feel you Dominant would have you do or what would be respectful to a D/s relationship if you had one.
Just to keep things in the spirit of the phrase, try not to apply “my Dominant” to be the one you broke up with unless, like me, you are still with them, but not in a D/s capacity. Moving on from a relationship that’s ended is healthier than trying to maintain a ghost one.
Participate in Social Engagements Where Other Submissives Are
A lot of my issues with separation from those submissive feelings is that I also stopped attending social events for a long while. Once things started to change, going to social events where I could be around submissives. Just talking with others is a huge help to rekindle that flame and also to nurture it in a healthy manner.
Many local groups have submissive-only events, but even if they don’t, going to munches is a way you too can chit-chat with people that identify in submissive roles and talk about your own journey.
Search for local groups on FetLife
Be Patient
Most importantly, be patient. I know how desperate you can feel when submission begins to return and you want to do it all and be completely submissive to someone right away. Learn to be patient. Embrace your renewed spirit and your drive. Maybe start dating again, but don’t jump into a collar just because someone is willing to accept your submission. Now that the flame is back you want to make sure you can protect it. It’s valuable.
The moments of uncertainty will still haunt you in the early days, at least they are for me. But I know, that when the time is right, I will be fully immersed in my submission again and know the joy of serving another. You have to have confidence that it will happen and to nurture that confidence with every step you take. I believe in you.
It’s a scary thing to know your submissive flame is gone and then to work hard to bring it back out without someone to submit to. I know that if I lost my way and can find someway to come back, that you can to. Give my advice some thought and try to formulate your own ideas for how you too can rebuild your submissive flame, nourish your spirit and return to some sense of normalcy in yourself.