When I first started exploring submission, I was hungry to be the perfect submissive. Everywhere I looked, there were examples of submissives who seemed to have it all together. They were doing intense training, following strict protocols, mastering specialized skills, and dedicating every moment to the dynamic. I would read their blogs, talk to them in forums, and think, “This is what a real submissive does.” And then I’d look at myself and wonder, Am I even close to good enough?
That insecurity drove me to ask my Dominant for more and more rules, hoping each new guideline would somehow fill the gap I felt inside. I thought that by following a list of rules that looked like the “ideal” version of submission, I could prove my devotion. I wanted my submission to be undeniable—to him, myself, and honestly, to anyone watching or reading. So, I piled on the rules. I added routines, rituals, and habits that didn’t even resonate with me but felt like part of a “perfect submissive” package.
But all of this became overwhelming. I started burning out under the weight of my own expectations. Submitting didn’t feel natural, joyful, or fulfilling. It felt like a task list I was never going to finish, a constant cycle of striving to be more than I was. My Dominant noticed this strain and, in his own way, grew frustrated, too. Instead of feeling connected, he was spending more and more time managing my ever-expanding list of rules. We both realized that our relationship was slipping into something performative that wasn’t ours.
Finally, one day, we stopped and talked about it honestly. He asked me what I really wanted out of submission—not the blogs or the ideal I’d constructed, but what I wanted. I had to admit that I was trying to fit a mold that didn’t actually work for me. I sought validation by comparison rather than looking at what made our dynamic unique.
We both took a breath and agreed to let go of the rules that were weighing us down. We decided to focus on what felt real and meaningful to us rather than what I thought I “should” be doing. The shift wasn’t immediate—I still had to work on quieting that inner critic who wanted to compare. Gradually, however, I began to see submission as something that was authentic only when it was personal. The perfect dynamic wasn’t ideal because it was flawless; it was perfect because it was ours.
Looking back now, I’m grateful for the experience. I learned that submission isn’t a checklist, and being a “good” submissive isn’t about meeting an external standard. It’s about embracing the fundamental parts of ourselves and creating a genuine connection. Perfection, I found, is overrated. The magic of submission is that it lets us bring our whole selves, imperfect as they are, to the table.
Finding Freedom in Authenticity
By letting go of that drive for perfection, I found a freedom in my submission that I never knew I could have. Submission now feels joyful, unpressured, and uniquely mine. It’s not a list of rules or an attempt to meet an arbitrary standard. It’s the ongoing, evolving journey my Dominant and I share, one that grows as we do.
If you’re a submissive feeling the pressure to “do it all” or to be “the best,” I encourage you to step back and ask yourself what you truly want. Sometimes, the most beautiful submission is the one that looks nothing like anyone else’s because it’s the one that’s true to who you are. Here are a few steps you can take to reclaim your authentic self:
- Take a Break from Comparison
Spend time away from the blogs, social media, and forums where you see what others are doing. Instead, focus on your feelings, desires, and experiences. What feels authentic in your submission rather than trying to meet a standard? - Reflect on What Submission Means to You
Write down what submission feels like in your relationship. What aspects bring you joy? What tasks or actions make you feel fulfilled? This is your personal submission blueprint; it doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. - Communicate with Your Dominant
Have an open conversation with your Dominant about what’s truly important to both of you. Are the rules and protocols serving your relationship or creating stress? Choose what enhances your connection together and let go of the rest. - Let Go of the “Perfect Submissive” Ideal
Remind yourself that no one is perfect, and submission is a lifelong growth journey. Be kind to yourself when mistakes happen, and embrace those moments as opportunities to learn and evolve. - Practice Self-Compassion
Cultivate a mindset of patience and understanding with yourself. Celebrate small victories in your submission, no matter how imperfect they seem. Each step is progress, and no journey is ever linear.
By focusing on your desires and needs, you’ll find that submission becomes more rewarding and fulfilling. It’s not about perfection—it’s about authenticity and growth. When you stop measuring yourself against others, you make space for what truly matters in your D/s relationship.
Journal Prompt: Reflecting on Your Submission
As you think about your own submission, here are a few questions to help you process the ideas in this article. Grab a journal, write down your thoughts, or simply reflect on them.
- Reflect on how you view other submissives and how it affects your feelings of self-worth. Are there any specific things you compare yourself to? How does this comparison make you feel?
- Think about where these pressures come from—external influences like blogs, social media, or the expectations of others. What is the source of these feelings, and do they align with what you truly want?
- Brainstorm some actionable steps to build a submission that feels true to you. This might include talking to your Dominant about what works for both of you, reflecting on your desires, or cutting out the noise of comparison.
Reflecting on these questions isn’t just about finding answers—it’s about exploring possibilities. Take your time, be kind to yourself, and trust that every slight shift you make is part of the larger journey toward a more intentional and grounded submission.
Resources
Books and Reading
- The Gifts of Imperfection
- Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
- The Perfectionist’s Handbook: Take Risks, Invite Criticism, and Make the Most of Your Mistakes
- My Submission is Better Than Your Submission: Advice About Competition
- On Perfectionism as a Submissive
- Perfectionism and Submission
- The Importance of Being Authentic
Online Tools
Additional Resources