Perfection. For some silly reason, perfection happens to be an ultimate goal for many people. Personally, I have never felt the need to try to be perfect at something so huge and all-encompassing. Submissives all over the place think they have to be perfect. I’m not really sure why you’d want to be perfect or how you could measure what perfection is for a submissive. But through conversations online, on Twitter and other people’s blogs, it happens to be a common thread that I keep encountering. I think there are a couple of good reasons people strive for perfection, but what we tend to forget is that if we are constantly doing that we can never truly enjoy where we are at any point.
When a person is always unhappy with their current situation, personal goals or effort in achieving perfection, it can lead to an overall depression or angst over being never good enough. When you feel that you aren’t good enough for someone then you could push them away at the most and in the least, you will feel terrible self-doubt. Every day I talk to submissives who doubt their value as a submissive because they are trying to achieve perfection but don’t realize that their Dominants are quite happy with them on at that specific moment.
Craving perfection has another danger. It often leads to envy or jealousy of others. Envy is wanting something someone else has and jealousy is a fear of being replaced, in this case of not living up to your idea of perfection that your Dominant doesn’t have (most likely) and being replaced. With the self-doubt I talked about above, a submissive could feel like no matter what they do that the relationship will end anyway and give up. So much so that even simple communication breaks down. In these cases, the submissive has spelled their relationship’s demise without the Dominant really getting a say. If they had just talked to the Dominant before the envy invaded their every thought they would likely have heard that they have a solid place in their Dominant’s lives and that they aren’t going anywhere. Does that sound like you?
As a novice submissive, feeling you will never be “as good as lunaKM,” for example, is a silly goal to have. And I’ll tell you why. My personal choices in submission and my relationship style are unique. The life experiences that I’ve had to lead up to where I am now are not like yours. You will never have a relationship like mine, nor will you be able to have a submissive journey like mine. It’s just impossible. What you will have are your own journey and your own unique relationship. It’s okay to enjoy learning about other people’s relationship dynamics, and I encourage it so that you can have an open mind about all the variations of healthy D/s out there. But as soon as you want to be just like someone else, you undermine the work that you and your Dominant have put into your uniqueness.
The detriment to always seeking perfection is that you are never happy with where you are and sometimes where you are is perfect for the situation or time in the relationship. When you are not happy with your current place in your relationship or submission, in general, you will lose sight of the big picture; that you are submitting and that you are learning and growing.
Take pride in your efforts and stop comparing who you are to others. You are the best you that you can be at that moment. Even if you struggle with bad habits or learning a new rule. Even if you don’t have a Dominant now and you are exploring submission as a single submissive. Be happy that you are on the right path and you will know that perfection in yourself is knowing you are making progress.
Thoughts to Ponder
- Have you compared yourself to someone else at one time or another? How did it make you feel about your own submission or relationship?
- What are some thoughts you have about striving for perfection in submission?
Interesting Links
- Too Submissive for Mistakes – Rayne
- Are You the “Perfect” Submissive? – BDSM Unveiled