The Challenge of Learning Anticipatory Service: Making Mistakes

This is part two of the Anticipatory Service series, if you’d like to read part one, check out Exploring Service Motivations: How a Mocktail Made Me Service-Oriented.

Service exists, like most things, on a spectrum. Real Service, Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny hold that reactive service is at one end of the spectrum, and proactive service is at the other. We can think of reactive service and proactive service as points spaced apart on either side of a line, where the line represents the Dominant’s involvement in the service.

Reactive service is a service that is in response to an immediate demand. A direct order is given, and the specified service reacts to that command.

Conversely, proactive service involves slightly more latitude. In these cases, the submissive has committed to memory any standing orders given to them. The term “standing orders” refers to anything expected of a submissive that they are required to keep track of and maintain indefinitely, often without direct supervision or reminders. Standing orders are always in effect. In many dynamics, standing orders come to make up the status quo. For instance, a service submissive may have standing orders to always greet their counterpart at the door, prepare breakfast every morning, keep the house clean, keep the lawn manicured, or do any number of tasks in perpetuity. Following these orders helps to maintain the dynamic from their side of it.

In addition to memorizing and practicing standing orders, in proactive service, the submissive often has the reasoning ability to conduct their tasks and challenges in the preferred manner of the Dominant. This is true even in cases where direct supervision and communication regarding tasks are impossible. The submissive can perform because they explicitly internalize their Dominant’s preferences and views. To become capable of this type of proactive service usually requires extensive knowledge of the Dominant and, therefore, adequate time in the dynamic. 

The Challenge of Anticipatory Service

At the furthest reaches of proactive service resides “anticipatory service.” Some Dominants love anticipatory service, but others downright hate it. It is regarded with the same trepidation and awe as a quadruple lutz in figure skating—it’s stunning but challenging to nail effectively and correctly. Submissives who aspire to execute anticipatory service successfully face many challenges.

A primary challenge is that anticipatory service involves a complicated learning process, and you will sometimes make mistakes. This is because anticipatory service examines collected information to extrapolate, predict, and fulfill future desires. You will sometimes miss the mark when you serve based on estimations and predictions rather than the concrete facts and demands in reactive service. 

When you inevitably do make mistakes, the most important thing is that you accept them gracefully. Do not take it personally that your service isn’t needed or wanted. Instead, recognize that perhaps your service would have been of ordinary quality, but the data, extrapolation, or prediction were incorrect. 

Try to accept that anticipatory service is a difficult skill to master and that you may not succeed every time. It will likely fail because anticipatory service is so specific about service details. For instance, it is possible to prepare the correct service correctly, at the proper place, for the correct reason, but at the incorrect time, and for the time to cause the error. 

Try to accept failure before you attempt anticipatory service. This way, if you are unsuccessful in your attempts, you can take it in stride and move seamlessly to the next task expected of you. This can help prevent service interruptions. 

As immediately as possible, it is best to respond to your Dominant’s refusal of service with a response that you have heard, understood and acted in error. A high protocol setting may require phrases like “Sir. Yes, sir,” or “Beg your pardon, sir.” Or both. In more casual situations, you may simply say, “Yes, of course,” or “My mistake, I apologize,” or a comparable statement that respects their wishes and assumes responsibility for the error.

Accept that your approach was unsolicited and undesired. Clean up or otherwise correct the situation, returning it to how it was before your approach. Then, resume your duties as expected or commanded. 

Listen to your Dominant. Allow them to tell you which step needs to be corrected. This will make you better at service. 

You may find an appropriate time to ask if they do not tell you. Or, you may “go back to the drawing board” and take a break from anticipating their desires, opting to re-investigate by observing and collecting more information. During this time, you can focus on gathering specific information about when, where, why, and how it is appropriate to meet that particular desire, which was the focus of your mistaken attempt. 

While it is understandable that you will occasionally err in the act of anticipatory service, you must make every effort not to turn anticipatory service into a mere “trial and error” endeavor. Do not simply go, “Ah, I failed in this instance, so I will try again tomorrow!” without doing the necessary footwork to figure out why it didn’t work and how to fix it. This shows disregard for the complexity of the Dominant and is a disservice to the art and skill of anticipatory service.

Anticipatory service is an art and a true gift. Part of what makes it strikingly beautiful for those who enjoy it is that it is personal, meaningful, and not at all haphazard. It shows an in-depth understanding of the Dominant. 

Anticipatory service is not meant to serve the submissive or their experiments in understanding their Dominant. It exists as a representation of understanding and appreciation of the person receiving service and their desires. Accordingly, it should be carefully planned and considered in advance. 

It is essential to remember the effect multiple impromptu attempts at anticipatory service may have. Some Dominants reject anticipatory service entirely because of the number of times it has been unsuccessfully performed for them. You might imagine how unpleasant it is for someone to, on repeated occasions, have to reject an incorrect or inopportune attempt by their submissive. 

Most people don’t enjoy telling a barista they got their coffee order wrong. How do you think someone receptive to service feels when they repeatedly tell someone they know much more intimately that their service has missed the mark? It’s heartbreaking—not a fun moment for either participant. 

While some Dominants reject anticipatory service entirely for this reason, others don’t enjoy it because they dislike the implied momentary loss of governance. They prefer the control of giving all orders personally and having them fulfilled on command. In service, these Dominants tend to favor immediate obedience over supposition. They dislike the lack of control inherent in moments when the person of service is preparing to meet an estimated need. They would prefer, instead, to voice their needs explicitly and have them met only then—this makes anticipatory service undesirable to them.

The Impact of Anticipatory Service On Your Dominant

There are profound and varied opinions on the value of, and desire for, anticipatory service in dynamics. The only way to assess whether you should include it in yours is to communicate with your Dominant, as each person may have their preference. Every individual’s choice is entirely valid. 

Therefore, if you desire to incorporate anticipatory service into your dynamic, try to communicate to ensure the intention is mutual and that engaging in that behavior would be consensual. After all, you wouldn’t want to err before you even tried! Making sure both of you are on board before adding anticipatory service is a great first step toward successfully engaging in it.

Another consideration that will boost your probability of success is including your 

Dominant in deciding which area of their life will be the focus of your anticipatory service. There ought to be just one at first. This is because the more concentrated you are on one particular area of your life, the better you will recognize patterns of expectation, need, and desire for that type of service. These patterns will clue you into the familiar environment, inducing the need for that service, thus giving you critical information about when and where that service is most appropriate, in what way, and for what reason the service is to be prepared. 

Including your Dominant in deciding which part of their life is open to anticipatory service makes for a more controlled environment. They are effectively signing off, in advance, on the bounds of your anticipatory service. This is important for multiple reasons. 

Firstly, this keeps the service and service roles consensual and explicit. This is vital, as anticipatory service is an inherently codependent behavior. It is codependent in that it requires the submissive to be overly attuned to the expectations and emotions of their Dominant. Being a codependent behavior doesn’t necessarily make it “bad” or “unhealthy.” However, codependent behaviors can be damaging to individuals and relationships when they are unchecked. When engaged consciously, expressly, and with specific containers, they are both given a place for expression (in a healthy and controlled way) and robbed of some of their risks. Setting up the bounds of your anticipatory service with your partner can help, and communicating about it ensures everyone is aware and accepting of the emotional risk.

Secondly, engaging your Dominant in deciding which part of their life is available for anticipatory service lowers the risk of error in your attempt at service. It also ensures you do not step on their toes if a particular sector of their life is off-limits. 

For instance, I once managed a house where needless noise was not tolerated in the living space. However, during this time, I would never shut off or otherwise engage my Dominant’s alarm clock (without permission) if it were ringing. This is because I knew that while preventing noise was generally a service in the home, his alarms were vital to his day and were not to be trifled with. Knowing this, I could turn my attention to more appropriate outlets for our practice of anticipatory service, including, but not limited to, packing lunch when his workday was rushed, preparing for his hobbies, and mending his clothes when I found them in disrepair.

These activities were not off-limits. There was no alarm-touching involved! They were also outside the usual responsibilities he expected of me. While I was expected to prepare meals and beverages, he ordinarily went out for lunch during work. Therefore, these outlets were prime real estate for anticipatory service. 

Knowing that certain parts of his life were too important to be burdened with the possibility of a bungled attempt at anticipatory service was hugely beneficial because it ensured I served him more efficiently and made his life easier instead of more complicated. Asking for his input about the types of anticipatory service acceptable to him made me realize how important it is to choose the focus of service with great care for the best chances of success. This is why communicating about anticipatory service before engaging in it can be beneficial.

Anticipatory service is difficult to perfect, and it is impossible to avoid making errors in this endeavor. To enhance our service, we should not focus on making mistakes but on handling errors properly when they occur and decreasing the likelihood of errors occurring. 

We should always strive to accept our errors with understanding. It is also important, when we err, to remind ourselves to be committed to moving forward efficiently and positively. While this is never the easiest feat, it avoids further inconveniences, is more self-compassionate, and will make our subsequent steps in error resolution easier. 

Gathering information about the needed services can reduce the probability of incorrect or inappropriate anticipatory service. Additionally, it helps to speak with your partner to establish consent and a suitable focus for our service. Communication will significantly reduce the frequency of errors in anticipatory service.