Your first scene with your Dominant is coming up and so far they’ve been pretty foggy as far as what will happen. You’ve never been involved in BDSM before but you are excited and scared for the upcoming session. What’s going to happen? What will you expect to see and do?
A scene is in basic terms a time where two or more people engage in BDSM and/or power exchange. Usually, these people have some mutual kinks in mind that they want to experience. It’s about sensation, it’s about intimacy, pushing boundaries, exploring BDSM and sometimes sexual contact as well.
Let me describe to you what a first scene might be like. Please keep in mind that this varies by dynamic and relationship so be sure to ask your partner what sorts of things they are expecting or wanting to do for your first scene.
Before The Scene
First, it’s about a 50/50 split on if the Dominant plans out what they want to do or not. KnyghtMare doesn’t plan his scenes at all so he has to have practically every toy out each and every time. Others have scenarios, scripts or fantasies that they are enacting. Ask your partner how they usually prepare for a scene. If they do use a script or have a specific scene in mind, ask what it is so that you can be more prepared. Even if they don’t pre-plan it is likely they will know the style of play they are going for, such as impact play, medical, bondage, humiliation, erotic overstimulation, wax, etc. Make sure you’ve negotiated with them and that they know your limits and safeword.
You will be asked to groom yourself. Shower and clean up as if you are going on a date. Wear what you are requested to wear. It is very likely that you will be naked near the beginning anyway but it’s always good to be presentable. They may request your hair a specific way, that you shave or not shave and anything else about your presentation.
The room where you will play is likely a bedroom, living room, hotel room or if you are lucky a play room specifically for BDSM play. Very few people have the space for such a room so don’t expect to always have a dungeon. You may notice that the heat is turned up, or there might be candles and music. These are personal preferences so negotiate them beforehand if you have aversion to any scents or sounds.
In the majority of scenes, there will be an indicator that play is about to begin. It could be a shift in the way your partner acts or they will instruct you to kneel, put on a collar and cuffs or that you undress. The start of a scene is very personal, but these few are common requests just before a scene starts.
During The Scene
The scene is about connecting with your partner and having fun. Sometimes it’s about sexual pleasure too. Try not to treat the exchange as something foreign or detached. A play session is possibly one of the most intimate moments in your relationship. Enjoy every moment you can.
Abandon thoughts of anything outside of the room. You are in your own special world now where all that matters is the experience. Worry and focus elsewhere can ruin the scene for you and your partner. If you can’t detach then perhaps you should postpone the scene.
Some Dominants like verbal commands and noise, others prefer silent obedience. If you don’t already know what’s expected, ask or lead by example. Often a quiet Dom wants a quiet sub (but not always).
Be open about discomfort that isn’t a part of the scene. Bondage will always have a bit of discomfort, that’s what it’s there for, but if you experience severe numbness or pain then speak up about it. If an instrument you are trying out doesn’t feel right or hurts too much, say something. There are ways to keep playing and still communicate. Use your safe word if you have to. Your first scene is not a time to push those limits or to see how far you can go once you’ve reached an intense level. Leave that for another day.
A safeword is not a disappointment and does not mean failure. Don’t treat it that way. It’s just a pressure gauge. When you’ve had enough you need to stop. It’s alright to stop before they mean to.
Sex can happen during a scene if you both have agreed to it. A lot of BDSM is sexually exciting for people and sex is a given. For others, sex isn’t necessary but orgasm might be. Discuss beforehand what role sex plays in a scene and then agree to whatever level of commitment you want.
After the Scene
Once you are physically and sometimes emotionally exhausted you’ll want to relax, come down and recover. The bonds will come off, the mood may even change. This is the moment for aftercare if you need it. Snuggle, have a cigarette or cup of coffee and just relax. Then when you both have control of your emotions you can talk about what you liked and don’t like, what you’d like to skip next time and how well it worked for you. It’s okay if it doesn’t work.
Cleaning up can be the responsibility of the Dominant or the submissive. Take another shower, lotion up the aches and pains, treat any cuts or abrasions. Stay in contact after play if you don’t live together. It’s important to get back to normal as best you can, but sub drop can happen even if you’ve protected against it with a lot of aftercare. So calling your partner when things like this happen will help you.
Once you’re a few days to a week out you can start planning the next time you play or whether you were compatible enough with them to continue. Don’t stay with someone just because they played with you – you have to feel comfortable with them and have chemistry.
And most of all, enjoy the ride!