So You Want to Share Your Kink with Your Vanilla Partner – What You Need to Know

This is a guest post by Boundobedience. 

I read a lot of questions and answers from people who are into BDSM and are with people who may or may not also be into BDSM as well. There are two groups that I generally see. Well, three, but the group that successfully manages to convert their relationship into a D/s one isn’t the topic of this article.

The first group is too shy or anxious to bring up their desires, and the second group has brought it up but their partner is not behaving as enthusiastically as they had hoped. I’ll be talking about each.

For me, the most important and crucial part of a relationship is the ability to be completely open and honest with my partner. In my relationship, my Dom knows all of my darkest secrets, and I his. We wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s important to be vulnerable, and if you strive for a D/s relationship, you can expect to be vulnerable time and time again. Get used to that feeling because it will not be going away. So, please, for the sake of being true to yourself and to progress your relationship, open yourself up. Don’t do your partner the disservice of trying to subtly mold them into the partner you want.

I want my partner to be Dominant/submissive but I’m afraid they’ll judge me or leave me if I tell them.

First, I would like to say that I strongly believe that dominance and submission are innate and not chosen. I think you’re either born to be in this lifestyle or you’re not. For some people, you can enjoy doing kinky things that simulate dominance or submission (almost completely sexually only), but your heart is not in it for the sake of the kink, but rather for the sake of your partner’s pleasure. There’s nothing wrong with that either. But do expect that if this is you or your partner, and if you or your partner wants something that is straight from the heart, what’s being received is not “complete”.

There’s a lot more to even bedroom D/s than a few spankings and maybe a gag if you’re feeling adventurous. When someone is truly dominant or submissive, they may and often do crave someone who’s passion is equal. This could be satisfactory as well for some because oftentimes you fall in love with someone who doesn’t exactly have all the same interests as you. You will have to decide for yourself if you can be satisfied with the limited kink you’re getting (or even none at all), or if maybe you will need to reconsider your relationship with this person.

I see many instances of advice givers saying to submissive women, just start asking him for permission to do things. Basically advising to work D/s into the relationship subtly. My problem with this approach is that it is sort of deceptive and in my opinion, counterproductive.

If you want your partner to take part in this lifestyle with you, there are a lot more uncomfortable topics to talk about than just liking BDSM. Saying “I want you to Dominate me/submit to me” is probably a lot easier than saying “I want you to choke me/I want to choke you” for the first time. If you can’t talk about the general, how do you expect to talk about the specifics?

So now that you’ve told them and they’ve agreed to give it a whirl, what happens if they aren’t meeting your expectations?

Well, this is either one of two scenarios. Either they simply don’t know what to do next, or they’re just not that into it. My advice here is to sit down and talk about it. Let them know that it’s ok if they don’t know what to do, or if they’re only doing this for you. It’s so, so, so important for everything to be open and transparent in D/s, and in any relationship. There are resources out there if they simply don’t know what to do. I would recommend a mentor.

And if they just aren’t that into it? Well, that’s a conversation for the two of you.

Best of luck in your journey into the world of BDSM and finding the D/s relationship for you.

Boundobedience is a 24/7 submissive and little to her Dominant TemperedTorture. They are soon to be living together after over two years of long distance and have been in a D/s relationship for about a year and a half. Bound loves to share her experiences and help others in their journey.