I was asked in email a while ago about how safe BDSM groups are for people in high profile careers and the risk of being exposed. It’s a valid concern for anyone that seeks outside support and knowledge so I thought I’d share with you what I had to say to this person.
Here’s their questions:
Basically I’m wondering if you have some advice on finding BDSM circles where you can guarantee discretion. I’m based in the UK and because of the Max Mosley case I’d have a modicum of protection but it’s still something I worry about I imagine there must be tight circles of people who are in careers where they also have to protect their privacy, but they must be quite hard to find a route into. I’d really like a mentor in a group like this – do you know anything about how to find them? The difficulty is it would make me reluctant to even go and meet someone for fear they could get personal details they could use in the future. This must be a common fear. Do you have any thoughts?
Your concerns are a common one among BDSM practitioners. Everyone has something they could potentially lose if they were found out. While I’ve never met someone in showbiz that was into BDSM that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. What you may not realize is it’s not only high profile careers that are in peril but marriages, children, family, and positions in the community.
Children can be taken away from homes, marriages can end in horrible divorces, the family can shun you and your reputation in the community can be tarnished for life. BDSM is not accepted as a healthy form of sexuality yet and we are subject to the same prejudices that racism and homosexuality have and had before us.
And yet you will find a large and thriving BDSM community wherever a larger town is centered. It’s not that none of these people have nothing to lose; quite the opposite. It’s that there is an often unspoken (and in some cases spoken) rule that what goes on in the group stays in the group and that identity is protected. We use scene names instead of our real name and I can’t say I know what anyone does for a living – it’s just not talked about. In the communities I’m in I don’t know if people have children or other spouses either.
Unless it is volunteered you don’t talk about those things. The group is for BDSM education and support and nothing else. It’s a lot like walking into a void, everything that is outside the common scope isn’t talked about. Period. Yes, there are groups that are far less private, but talking with the group coordinators can help you go a long way at knowing if a certain group is for you or not.
There is also the option to not go to a group nearby. I know several people that travel hours away from their home location because they don’t want to have the off chance of being recognized by clients or people they see on a daily basis. It might be an option you wish to consider.
What are personal details commonly shared in a BDSM group? At the groups I participate in that would be general location of where you are from, what role you identify as and you scene name. Sometimes people volunteer their age and if they are looking for a play partner or relationship. That’s it. Everything else is private and rarely if ever asked about (and if it is, it’s with people you are beginning to get close to).
Are there more hidden groups? I’m sure there are small pockets of people who prefer to remain hidden and just talk among themselves but that also makes them hard to find and definitely not a group I’d freely suggest to anyone because there is a reason they are so secretive and I would be charged with keeping that secret.
Finding any groups can be searched for online by doing a simple Google search with the name of a large town and the word “munch”. Also, FetLife.com has a large number of real time groups using the forums there and then for the UK there is the well respected InformedConsent.