I was talking with a friend of mine awhile ago and she said something that really piqued my attention. She was telling me about her boyfriend and how upset she is over the fact that he won’t chase after her. They had some kind of argument and stormed out of the apartment. She got in her car, but instead of immediately taking off, she sat there, waiting for him to come out after her, throwing himself at her feet, begging for forgiveness. She sat there for twenty minutes waiting for him to chase after her, but that never happened. She saw from his living room blinds that he had turned on the TV and went about his night instead of seeing if she had still been sitting in his driveway.
During this conversation, I found myself thinking about an episode of “Sex in the City” where Carrie goes over to see Big while he’s in the middle of watching a pay-per-view fight. While he’s trying to watch the fight, Carrie is throwing herself all over him and He wants nothing to do with this. He wants to watch his fight. Big gets fed up with her behavior and asks what the hell is going on, she gets upset and leaves. After leaving his apartment, she stands outside his apartment door for the obligatory ten minutes waiting for him to come and apologize for his brutish behavior. But he doesn’t and she sulks home.
Being active in the lifestyle since my early twenties, I have found myself trying to shake all the learned behaviors mainstream society has instilled in me when it comes to being a female and the whole dating game. Honestly, I’ve not been one for wanting to play games when it comes to being in a relationship. I don’t have the time or patience for it. But I felt, especially once I started putting myself out there on sites such as collarme.com, that I was entering into a world that had different standards than what I was used to. Which I came to find out was very true once I started chatting with dominants online.
The more I talked with dominants online, and also fellow female submissives, I realized everything I had been taught by mainstream society as appropriate dating etiquette (I really don’t see the chasing after each other as appropriate dating etiquette, but I think that’s something that is taught to females on a subconscious level) didn’t apply, especially expecting to be chased after by a dominant. As a new submissive in the lifestyle, it is rather overwhelming. You’re learning all sorts of new things, experiencing new feelings, trying to learn from mistakes of others who have walked the path you’re just starting, and trying to find a happy balance between lifestyle and vanilla life. It’s hard to, no matter what age you are to shake learned behaviors from mainstream society, no matter how detrimental these behaviors may be. The friend I mentioned above, she’s in a vanilla relationship and at times, I do question her maturity level, but hearing her carry on about not being chased after made me think of me, as being a slave, not just a slave, but a collared slave, do I have the right to make my Master chase after me?
In my opinion, ANY collared submissive or slave who utters the phrase “well He didn’t chase after me” when speaking about his or her Dominant or Master, needs an attitude adjustment. To me, after accepting one’s collar, there shouldn’t be a need to be chased. If for any reason that statement is uttered, heck even if the Dominant or Master starts to think that the sub or slave needs to start chasing after them, there’s something seriously wrong in the relationship.
I know there are millions upon millions of ideology for our lifestyle, Gor, Leather and TPE just to name a few and with all these ideologies, there’s no one set of rules for the lifestyle. I think there are some basic blanket rules that all lifestyle types follow. One of those basic blanket rules is communication. If there’s a breakdown in communication, then there’s going to be a breakdown in the relationship. If there’s a breakdown in the relationship, that’s where silly things are said such as “He’s not chasing after me”.
A slave I knew once told me that her master wasn’t chasing after her. He had neglected her so she was going to find a new one who better fit her needs. I asked her how she had been neglected. She told me her master hadn’t been keeping her in a slave mindset. I asked her if she had told her master this and she told me no because she shouldn’t have to, he should just know by her acting out. Also that it was his sole job as her master to keep her in a slave mindset. I was rather taken back by all of this. For me, as a slave, it’s my responsibility to tell my Master that I feel that He’s neglecting me. To inform my Master that I need help staying in the proper mindset and talk with Him about what things I need from Him and what things I can do to get myself back in that mindset. Master isn’t a mind reader. He’s really good at knowing when something is wrong with me, but He doesn’t always pick up on everything. He can’t tell when I’m having an internal struggle questioning whether I’m good enough to have His collar and if I just need to pack my bags and head back to the States. If I don’t open my mouth and say “Master, I’m having issues”, He isn’t going to know. I can’t let hatred and resentment build between us just because I can’t open my mouth.
I’m not going to lie; I have issues myself with this from time to time. There have been instances where I become extremely upset and have stormed off from Master, hoping that He’ll be following right behind me, begging for me to tell Him what’s wrong. That doesn’t happen and while I’m in the other room sulking, I can find myself getting angry that He hasn’t come after me. Then I get more angry at myself because I’m expecting Him to come chase me (like I said, learned behaviors are SO HARD TO GIVE UP and this is one behavior I not only loathe in others but even more in myself!). When this happens, I do feel like I’m playing a stupid game and acting like a two-year-old. Why should I be angry at Master for not chasing after me? I mean, He was right in front of me until I stormed off. Usually, after a few moments, Master does come in and check on me and to see just what the heck is going on in my head. Then our conversation usually ends with me apologizing for my very un-slave like behavior.
It’s hard sometimes to open up and talk about what’s going on. Yes, it is much easier for one party to just assume that the other party knows what’s going on when in reality; they don’t even have a clue. How is a slave’s Master to know that the slave is struggling with keeping in the mindset they need unless the slave speaks up? Why risk throwing away the most meaningful relationship you have ever had? All it takes is an open line of communication for things to work, and then no one has to do any chasing.