Full Question: How do I talk to my Dom that I want more pain, especially in spankings? He is worried about hurting me and nervous, but I am okay with it, so how do I show him how and support him in this?
Answer:
Your desire for more pain is making you ignore something very important: your partner. His feelings are valid. Have you really listened to what he’s saying? You need to understand why he’s nervous and worried. Are these things he wants to overcome so that he can give you what you want, or is this a limit for him?
Getting to the bottom of his feelings can help you develop a plan to move forward. If he wishes to overcome his hesitation, explore what he needs to do. It could be that he needs more education or is under societal pressure not to hurt his partner.
Do research together about pain tolerances and how to give pain more effectively (it isn’t about brute force; it’s about tools and technique). Take a class in person or watch a presentation online. Experiment with different toys to see if one can give more pain without more force.
Communicate at each step. Don’t pressure him to do more than he’s comfortable with; instead, allow him to lead. If his limit is where you currently are, see if he would allow you to play at parties with people you trust to get more intense pain play.
The bottom line is that you can’t make your partner do more than they are comfortable. If experiencing more pain play is a need for you, and they can’t meet it, then you have an incompatibility that you’ll need to accept or end the relationship amicably so that you can seek what you need with someone else.
I wish you the best.
