Not everyone is capable of being submissive. It is even possible that you are not really cut out for it. We all have different thresholds for what we can and can't do, but realizing we can't be submissive isn't the end of the world.

Great, so how do you know if you can be submissive or not?

First, let me say that the type of submissive I'm talking about here is a relationship submissive; someone who is subordinate in everyday things. A bedroom submissive or a kinky bottom is something entirely different. Anyone and I mean this, anyone can be a bottom for a short period of time. You can be submissive for weekends or set amounts of time. I'm not going to cover this form of submission in this article.

What I am going to cover is submission on a personality or character level. Submissives all over are going to agree or disagree with this, but as this is my newsletter, you are going to be subjected to my opinion. At the end of this article, I will invite you to share your own thoughts with me.

People develop specific personality traits, that then define if they can be submissive or not. There are a few, however, that don't lend them to being a vital part of submission and can, in fact, cause a lot of strife. If these can not be curbed it is likely you are not cut out to be submissive.


The personality traits I'm talking about are:

  • selfishness and self-importance
  • domineering behavior
  • manipulative
  • bratty(!)

Selfishness is a very damaging trait to have when you are trying to be submissive. For the longest time, I used to tell myself that I wouldn't submit unless I got something in return. This got to the point that I didn't want to play unless I was getting an orgasm or something like that. I was being selfish and made my needs and desires more important than my partners.

Once I started seeing things as giving more I was actually rewarded more often. It's funny how life works out that way. I offered up more and more of myself; I submitted to his will and in return, when I least expected it, he rewarded me. It was so fulfilling and still is.

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In all honesty I'm still working on the domineering behavior. I've said it before and it bears repeating again; I am not perfect. I submit because it fulfills a need in me. The behaviors I grew up with and the traits I picked up to survive then are not needed now and I'm constantly fighting to reverse them. My nagging behavior is one that Master is routing out of me for good. I still get the itch to be in control of somethings but Master is right there to set me straight. If you are constantly fighting for the control then you will never submit. Submit is a lot like surrender. Accept that your partner knows best for you and that they will care for you and your domineering behavior will begin to dissolve.

Going into my next point, being manipulative is right up there with domineering behavior. Forcing someone to do something they wouldn't do, or pushing so hard that they give in is not going to allow you to submit. I've seen some submissives say that they are just being persuasive and that their Dominant doesn't mind. I have no doubt that if I asked them they would say otherwise. Dominants do not want a submissive that tries to maintain control or bend their will. It is counter-productive to the power exchange that is the cornerstone of a D/s relationship.

Lastly, I'd like to talk about being bratty. I put an exclamation point up there because there is a caveat to this point. A number of submissives and Dominants alike say that being bratty is okay to a relationship. It's playful fun in other partnerships. I'm not against a little playful fun; but being bratty and being playful are completely different things. A brat is never welcome in a submissive. I consider bratty behavior to be childish attempts to manipulate the situation. I'm certain that you have seen people be bratty in a way that makes you shake their head and wonder why they are submissive or why the Dominant doesn't clock them one. It's just bad form and looks bad.

You will always be able to tell the difference between a brat and a playful sub. Always.


Knowing the traits that are detrimental to a submissive's relationship and herself can bring about the change that is necessary if submission is your goal. Let's face the truth; you can change who you are. You are the only person who can, so if submission really is what you want in life you can make the changes necessary.

If you aren't willing to work on these things and you enter into a D/s relationship you are being misled to a Dominant in your intentions. How can you submit if you are not going to make the changes necessary to be a submissive worthy of their charge?

Being aware of your non-submissive traits can also help a perspective partner aware of what they are in for. I was straight-forward with my Master that I had a lot of personal changes to go through in order to submit in the way I wanted to and that he wanted from me. Thankfully he said he was willing to work with me while I made the necessary changes.


You've made the first step if you can see these traits hindering your submissive attitude and causing strife for yourself and your partner. Next, you need to start working on changing yourself. This is not an easy process but it is possible if you wish it. Buy a few self-help books if you need it to help you improve your behavior and figure out what skills are needed to change your attitude.

You can also seek professional help or that of a mentor. Many times having someone else talk to you about your struggle can bring you closer to finding the person that is hiding in wait for you to shed those poor behaviors. It's likely this person is better for you anyhow.

If through all this you still can't shake those feelings of selfishness and manipulative behaviors you have just one admission left. You are not cut out to be submissive.

Finally, I've given you the thoughts to get you started and as you can see it's not a dead end. If you are willing to work at it, and it's something you really want; then submission is possible. Good things are never easy to acheive. Work hard at it and you will be rewarded.

Thoughts to Ponder

  1. What personality traits do you consider poor for a submissive to have that I may have forgotten?
  2. Do you see yourself in this article? Where are you in the journey?
  3. Do you agree with the idea that submission can be achieved if you want it bad enough?

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