Walking into a munch or community event for the first time can feel like stepping into a lion’s den—especially if you’re introverted or struggle with social anxiety. The truth is, many submissives (and Dominants, too) in the scene are introverts at heart. We’re drawn to meaningful, one-on-one connection, not noisy rooms or forced small talk. Still, those spaces can be powerful for learning, friendship, and finding community.
Here are some ways to make it easier on yourself.
1. Prepare before you go
Preparation is your best ally. A little structure goes a long way toward easing nerves.
Before you attend, spend a few minutes reading the event description so you know what to expect—will there be food, name tags, a discussion topic? Knowing the flow of things helps take away the unknown.
It can also help to bring a short list of conversation starters or questions. These don’t have to be clever or deep—just something to break the ice if your brain blanks. Try things like:
- “Is this your first time at this event?”
- “How did you find out about this group?”
- “What kinds of events do you enjoy most?”
Having a few go-to phrases in your back pocket makes starting a conversation less intimidating and helps you feel more in control.
2. Warm up online first
If your local group uses FetLife or social media, introduce yourself before the event. A simple “Hi, I’m new and looking forward to meeting some folks” can make it easier when you arrive—suddenly you’ll have a few familiar faces or usernames in the crowd.
You can also message the organizer ahead of time to let them know it’s your first event. Most hosts are thrilled to welcome newcomers and will happily help you feel more comfortable once you arrive.
3. Arrive early and pick your spot
For many introverts, walking into a packed room is the hardest moment. Showing up early gives you time to settle before the crowd builds. You’ll have a chance to pick a seat, order something to drink, and maybe chat with the organizer or another early bird before the noise and energy rise.
Choose a seat near an exit, wall, or quieter corner if that feels safer. Having a sense of control over your space can make a big difference when you’re managing anxiety.
4. Take micro-breaks
Even if things are going well, give yourself permission to take short breaks. Step outside for air, grab a drink, or visit the restroom to breathe and reset.
Social energy drains quickly when you’re introverted or anxious, and that’s okay. Pausing for five minutes doesn’t mean you’ve failed at being social—it means you’re caring for yourself so you can rejoin the group refreshed.
5. Challenge your inner critic
Social anxiety often whispers cruel lies: “You sound awkward,” “No one wants to talk to you,” “You shouldn’t have come.” When you notice those thoughts, try to pause and question them. You showed up—that’s already something to celebrate.
Focus on being curious rather than impressive. Ask people about their experiences, their favorite events, or what they enjoy about the community. Most people love talking about themselves, and genuine curiosity helps you connect without needing to perform.
6. Focus on one-on-one connections
Large groups can be overwhelming, so aim to have one meaningful conversation instead of trying to mingle with everyone. Look for another person who seems quiet or sitting alone and start there.
Many introverts find that smaller, deeper interactions are far more rewarding than a flurry of surface-level chatter. You’ll likely walk away feeling more grounded and less drained.
7. Have an exit plan
Decide before you go how long you want to stay. Maybe your goal is just an hour, or long enough to finish a drink. Knowing when you’ll leave takes the pressure off—you’re not trapped until the end of the night.
And if you do leave early, that’s perfectly okay. The goal is not to push yourself past your limit—it’s to make the experience positive enough that you’ll want to try again next time.
8. Reflect, don’t replay
After social events, it’s easy to replay every word you said and wonder if you embarrassed yourself. Try to catch that spiral before it gets going.
Instead of judging, reflect gently: What went well? What helped you feel more comfortable? What could you do differently next time? Even showing up for ten minutes is a win. You’re building confidence one step at a time.
9. Use community to your advantage
Being introverted doesn’t mean you have to go it alone. The BDSM scene is full of people who remember their first anxious munch or trembling introduction. If you tell someone “Hey, I’m a little nervous,” chances are they’ll meet you with kindness.
Most local groups have friendly regulars who will gladly chat, introduce you to others, or help you find your footing. Let people help—it’s part of what community is for.
10. Remember your strengths
Introverts bring valuable energy to the scene: we listen deeply, observe carefully, and often offer thoughtful insight that others appreciate. You don’t have to be loud to belong. Your quiet presence can make others feel at ease, too.
Each time you attend an event, you’re expanding your comfort zone and rewriting your relationship with anxiety. Progress doesn’t have to be dramatic—it can simply be showing up, staying present for a little while, and leaving proud of yourself for doing something hard.
In short:
Prepare, connect, breathe, and pace yourself. Whether you stay for ten minutes or the whole night, you’re still part of the community—and every small success builds confidence for the next event.