Full Question: I’ve been with Master for almost 9 months, and although I love our relationship, I feel there is a disconnect with my submission. Recently, I’ve been acting out and just messing up. It’s not all a conscious decision; I just do some of it without thought or plan. I don’t know how to get out of this mindset. It’s frustrating me when all I want to do is behave.
Answer:
First, let me reassure you that what you’re experiencing is not unusual. Many submissives encounter moments where their connection to their submission feels strained or disrupted. The reasons for this can be both external and internal, and recognizing these influences is the first step toward understanding and addressing the issue.
External factors like stress, illness, or an overloaded schedule can take up mental and emotional energy, leaving little room to focus on your submissive mindset. On the other hand, internal factors—such as feeling unvalued, lacking recognition for your efforts, or perceiving inconsistencies in your Dominant’s engagement—can subtly erode the foundation of your dynamic.
When these feelings arise, it’s important to pause and reflect on what might be contributing to them. Some questions to consider:
- Are there external stressors in your life that could be affecting your mood or energy?
- Are you feeling truly seen, appreciated, and guided in your dynamic?
- Has your Dominant been consistent in their role, or could they be unintentionally contributing to the disconnect?
Once you have a sense of what might be happening, the next step is open communication. Scheduling a couple’s meeting is a constructive way to share your feelings and explore the situation together. Approach this conversation with the goal of collaboration rather than blame. Share your experiences honestly, and invite your partner to share their observations as well. It’s possible they’ve noticed the disconnect but didn’t know how to address it.
During your discussion, you might identify areas where adjustments could help. For instance:
- Revisiting rules or rituals to ensure they still resonate with both of you.
- Creating opportunities for more consistent check-ins or affirmations of your dynamic.
- Addressing any barriers, like life stressors or communication gaps, that are impacting your connection.
It’s also important to give yourself grace during this time. Submission, like any other aspect of life, is not a constant state of perfection. If external circumstances are demanding your attention, it’s okay to acknowledge that and focus on maintaining the connection as best you can. You’re not failing; you’re navigating a temporary challenge.
Finally, if you find it helpful, you might explore some activities or practices that reinforce your submissive mindset, such as journaling, meditative exercises, or revisiting your personal goals as a submissive. These tools can serve as gentle reminders of the fulfillment and joy you find in your dynamic.
Remember, a strong dynamic is built on understanding and mutual effort. By addressing these feelings together, you’re not only working to reconnect with your submission but also strengthening your relationship overall.
I hope this helps you on your journey. You’re not alone, and these moments can be powerful opportunities for growth and deeper connection.
Being Submissive in a Vanilla World and How to Balance it Out
The Myth of the 24/7 Submissive Mindset (and Why So Many of Us Struggle)
Capturing That Elusive Submissive Mindset
Original post in May 2009, updated in January 2025