I am new to the Submissive role and BDSM in general. To make a long story short I am finally with my best friend from high school 10 years later, after being through a hellish marriage for 5 years and a physically abusive relationship before that...I love my now boyfriend and he is trying to show me what he as a dominant is about. Don't get me wrong, I love him and he has never once hurt me or been inattentive during a session. We only have those roles in the bedroom per his request because he loves the fact that I am an independent woman.
I guess what I am afraid of is that I have the hardest time keeping my mouth shut and following directions. I'm not used to that and I am starting to think it's a defense on my part because after that abusive relationship, I am afraid that I am going to have a trigger and freak him out. He says I am learning and that I am his good girl, but I don't want to half ass this. I want to be the best submissive that I can be but at the same time I am afraid I am going to fail him. He hasn't implied anything to that fear and he has been incredibly supportive, but anyone who knows me know's that I am a strong woman and I don't like to be seen as weak. He is deployed right now and so I am trying to figure out how to be better when he gets back in a few months. I would do anything for him...I just don't know where to start...
Dear fear of appearing weak,
First, I don't know a single submissive that isn't a strong person. Submission takes strength, it isn't a weakness. Not by a long shot. The power that is required to submit to someone is a beautiful thing. So, your idea that being seen as weak is something you need to overcome. Submission is a journey and it's not uncommon to have issues following direction. You will learn as you go, it's a process. If it's a defense mechanism you need to try and break down why you feel the need to defend yourself with your new partner.
As for your potential triggers coming up, have you sought counseling? It can help you identify possible triggers and then you can work through them or at least make him aware of them so that if they come up he'll help you process them. Start small, work on your internal baggage and you can do anything.
I am interested in moving my relationship with my Master to the next level and living together in a 24/7 M/s relationship. From the beginning we both made it clear that this was our ultimate goal. I have been waiting for Him to me my orders, so to speak, but then today I stumbled across a blog post about writing a slave petition. This got me thinking. Is this something I could or should do? What if I sent Him a resume with a cover letter (the format suggested by the blog)? After all, our relationship is more like a employer/employee type relationship, but with lots of kinky play! In all reality I would be working for Him. Is a slave petition something that is common? I have never hear of it and I have been trying to find out more, but without much luck.
Dear petitioning slave,
You can write a petition if you want, but know that it's just a tool for communication. It's not a common tool, but it does appear in some relationships. Instead of waiting for him to tell you what to do, why not talk to him about it? You can't expect to just sit and wait for him to improve your relationship. Take a working role in it and talk to him about it. Ask him what he wants from you, what you are expected to learn and then do the same for him. Check in with each other often as you learn to incorporate more D/s into your everyday.
I have developed an interest in D/s recently. I started dating a man ten years my senior. Very attractive, very successful, very caring and confident. In the bedroom he has slowly been introducing me to D/s. He is obviously the Dom. He has not pushed me at all, and I have warmed up nicely to it. So I decided that I will let him know that I am happy to kick it up a notch. We discussed it in detail, and had our first kicked-up-a-notch D/s experience last night, and I was a little disappointed and emotional during and after... And I do not know why? I was so excited about it! What happened? Do I need to get used to it? Because what bothered me, was that I have never felt disconnected from him before, but I did this time. He complimented me, and did the name calling etc, which was fine, but it was almost as if I was craving for him just to soften his tone once or twice. He made me play with myself, which I like, and he played with my genitals a little, but made me do it most of the time. Like that is why we are doing this, so you can do it for me. I can pleasure myself at home. Felt like my spirit was crushed for some reason? Thing is this was not even full force! Then at 4am, he woke me up forcing me to suck him. But I did not want to wake up then, and again he wanted me to pleasure myself. None of this turned me on at all, I was pissed off. I said this to him, but he stayed in his Dom role, and brushed it off. Am I not submissive enough, what do I need to work on, and how?
Kink is a huge pool and everyone swims differently. His idea of kinky D/s play apparently wasn't your idea. You didn't like how he controlled the exchange, it didn't turn you on. It happens. If you can't talk to him about it and bring up your idea of what could have happened then there's no point in continuing with him.
However, it is also possible that your kink and his don't mesh. It has nothing to do with being submissive enough. It has everything to do with sexual desires and preferences. It's obvious that he loves making you pleasure yourself. If that's not something that gets you turned on then you probably need to find someone else. There's no reason to try to "get used to it" when there are people who can and are compatible to you.