Dear lunaKM,

I'm a complete newbie when it comes to the D/s world. January of this year I met my very first Dominant online. He was sweet and attentive yet firm. We live in two different states but I had decided to move to His town to be closer to Him. I did everything in my power to be what he wanted out of a submissive but I always upset Him. When I did something wonderful he let me know. When I did something wrong He would get upset and His anger scared me a bit. I would try to console Him and ask Him to share with me what I did and how I can not let it happen again. But He would get upset and say its ok You obviously don't want to listen. Now this confused me a lot. I didn't know what to do or say.  At times I wanted to give up and move on thinking how I can't deal with a Man that won't talk to me and help me be a great submissive. I think I have great potential. So I'm wondering are all D/s relationships like this? This was my first experience and frankly its left me a little timid to have another.

Dear timid,

It's rough but I'm sure that it's more an incompatibility issue with your first experiences in D/s. Relationships with power exchange at their core have one thing in common. They are consensual and fulfill both partners. It sounds like he's just not the right guy for you and he won't open up and communicate. The good Dominants will help guide you to your best self, and a happy supportive role in the relationship. It won't leave you second guessing every mistake, afraid to do anything for fear of his anger.

I'm sure you have great potential. If you can get out of that relationship soon you may find that you can learn and grow without a negative Dom holding you down.


Hello lunaKM,

I am profoundly deaf, so I don't hear anything. im a slave and I love my master very very much, I was just wondering whether you could give me some advice on safe words/codes, as I verbal communication isn't very good but I can sign. but he knows me very well so im guessing in that kind of situation he would know whether something was wrong. but I cant be sure as we haven't had sex before. im sorry im not sure wether im making myself very clear but like mmm, for e.g like if im in bondage so I cant use my hands... how would I tell him if something was wrong or like... mmm If im blind folded I cant see him so I wont know what he is saying as I read his lips erm im sorry im not very good at righting but I hope you can understand what im getting at thanks so much

Dear silent safewords,

There are a lot of ways to adapt your play so that you both can enjoy yourselves and get what you need as far as safety. Some of the safewords used when in bondage or blindfolded can work for you too such as dropping keys, dog training clickers or anything else that makes noise. That's the easy thing since the Dominant isn't hearing impaired. I suggest you read my post on alternate safe words.

As far as communicating in scene, if you have a way to give him a head's up that you need to talk to him he should be able to get into your line of sight so that you can read his lips or free your hands if you need to sign. The beauty of kinky play is that you can always adapt it to what you need to make your play work for you.


Dear lunaKM,

I have no experience in BDSM other than what I think I want, and I think I'm more interested in the power play aspect than the pain aspect. Is that going to make it more difficult to find a Dom?

Dear interested,

Since you know what you are looking for it will be no harder or easier than any other search for your perfect mate. I know that's probably not the answer you wanted, but finding a partner is only as hard as you make it out to be and each person is going to have a different opinion. It's hard no matter which way you slice it.

As long as you make sure that the Dominants you talk to are not Sadists then you will do fine. Dominance isn't all about physical domination. A lot of it, and some argue most of it, is mental. I wish you the best.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!