Dear LunaKM

I am fairly new to the Dom/s relationship and have talked to a Dom online texts and but the phone. I am having trouble with understanding all the dynamics and was so relieved to find your site, thank u by the way.

Here's my question … He requests a morning text and a nightly asking permission to go to bed and I do this it's not a big deal but some days I get no response from him at all until he grants my permission for bed this isn’t always so just sometimes and it can be three or four days without no communication which is very frustrating for me … so without being “bratty” or “bitchy” as he calls it how do I let him know that I want some attention to just an acknowledgment that he knows I exist. Or is wanting that out of line with being submissive?

Thank u …     L

Online and phone only relationships are different types of relationships and the expectations are not as universally known as face to face relationships these days. What sort of negotiation did you get into before you accepted him as your Dominant? Was there a discussion about communication on his end? While it’s hindsight now, you have every right to get what you need from any relationship you are in. If he’s not giving you the attention you need, then you must bring it up to him.

I’m troubled that he considers your asking for communication as bratty or bitchy. If talking to him is difficult because he cuts you down and makes you feel like you opinion doesn’t matter then he’s not in this relationship for mutual benefit - he would be using you.

With that in mind, the next time you talk to him, tell him you have to discuss something important to you and would he give you the time to do so. Then, just lay it out there. Tell him you need more communication and attention from him than you are getting. Tell him how you feel when he goes days without contact and see what he says. You could get many responses, some good, some bad. Use your judgment.

1. He responds with compassion and sincerely didn’t realize that it was lacking and makes huge changes to make sure you are happy and both of you get what you need.

2. He makes you feel like it’s your fault he didn’t know you needed more attention or wanted more communication. He’s not a good Dom to be with and is just using you for his pleasure.

3. He continues to call you a brat when you have respectfully asked to have something important to you addressed. Leave him quickly, he will likely never give you what you want and probably just wants “entertainment.”

4. He sounds confused, he was just being a Dom as part of a role play or game, not a relationship and is surprised you want that. He’s not interested in being your Dom full time - just a phone playmate.

Now I know there are probably more responses, but the important thing to note is that you have to be happy with the relationship you’ve chosen. If you are not, and he won’t listen to you or work through it then that isn’t the partner you need in your life.

I wish you luck,

—lunaKM